1
00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:06,520
{\an8}The rumors of my promiscuity
have been greatly exaggerated.
2
00:01:06,730 --> 00:01:10,480
{\an8}I used to be anonymous,
invisible to the opposite sex.
3
00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:12,450
{\an8}If Google Earth were a guy…
4
00:01:12,610 --> 00:01:15,660
{\an8}…he couldn't find me if I was
dressed up as a 10-story building.
5
00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:19,540
{\an8}Pretty cutting-edge stuff, huh?
A high school girl feeling anonymous.
6
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:23,160
{\an8}Who am I? What does it all mean?
Why am I here? Blah.
7
00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:26,580
{\an8}But don't worry,
this isn't one of those tales.
8
00:01:26,750 --> 00:01:28,710
{\an8}Though it sure started out that way.
9
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,590
And then it changed pretty quickly
when I started lying…
10
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,380
{\an8}…about some very personal things.
11
00:01:34,550 --> 00:01:38,350
{\an8}So let the record show that I,
Olive Penderghast…
12
00:01:38,510 --> 00:01:43,270
…being of sound mind,
and below-average breast size…
13
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,600
…swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth…
14
00:01:45,770 --> 00:01:48,860
…and nothing but the truth.
Starting now.
15
00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:52,110
And what better way
to share my private thoughts…
16
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,200
…than to broadcast them
on the Internet?
17
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,700
So here it is. Part one.
18
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:02,870
The shudder-inducing and clichéd,
however totally false account…
19
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,250
…of how I lost my virginity
to a guy at a community college.
20
00:02:07,790 --> 00:02:12,250
Let me just begin by saying
that there are two sides to every story.
21
00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:15,340
And this is my side, the right one.
22
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:17,260
George is not a sexy name.
23
00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:19,350
George is what you name
your teddy bear…
24
00:02:19,510 --> 00:02:21,850
…not the name you wanna
scream out during climax.
25
00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:24,770
And by that, I assume you mean…?
26
00:02:24,930 --> 00:02:27,480
{\an8}The stable and self-perpetuating
end stage…
27
00:02:27,650 --> 00:02:29,520
{\an8}…in the evolution
of a plant community.
28
00:02:29,690 --> 00:02:31,360
{\an8}- Right.
- Why, what were you thinking?
29
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:35,440
The same. But I don't say it out loud
lest someone get the wrong idea.
30
00:02:35,610 --> 00:02:38,530
I think you know innuendo
is attached to everything these days.
31
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,740
{\an8}Innuendo? What--?
Whatever do you mean?
32
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:44,410
{\an8}Rhiannon, Olive, go hit the books.
They don't hit back.
33
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:49,130
Also, hugs not drugs.
Mess with the bull, get the horns.
34
00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:51,880
And any other clichés
you can come up with.
35
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,510
{\an8}Bye, Mr. Griffith.
36
00:02:54,670 --> 00:02:55,970
{\an8}Bye.
37
00:02:56,130 --> 00:02:58,590
{\an8}- Watch your mouth.
- Sorry.
38
00:02:59,010 --> 00:03:01,100
{\an8}Mr. Griffith is my favorite teacher.
39
00:03:01,260 --> 00:03:03,220
{\an8}Although,
after all the trouble I caused…
40
00:03:03,390 --> 00:03:05,640
{\an8}…I don't know if I'm still
his favorite student.
41
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,270
{\an8}You know, these are bad for you.
42
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,940
{\an8}It leads to unwanted pregnancy,
all sorts of things.
43
00:03:11,110 --> 00:03:14,940
Mismatched tires on your vehicle,
which is nonexistent.
44
00:03:15,110 --> 00:03:19,410
And here is where the trouble began.
The lie that started the whole thing.
45
00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:23,450
{\an8}Please, please, I'm begging you.
I will pay you. I'll pay you.
46
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:25,450
{\an8}Rhi, I cannot go camping
with you, okay?
47
00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:27,330
{\an8}I'm sorry, but I have a date.
48
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:30,120
{\an8}- Okay? I told you.
- With who?
49
00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:33,630
{\an8}- You don't know him.
- And neither do you, you selfish bitch.
50
00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:36,130
Yes, I do.
He goes to college with my brother.
51
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,880
Okay. What's his name, then?
52
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,890
Rhiannon is what you'd call
a strong personality.
53
00:03:41,050 --> 00:03:43,350
She asked me to come camping
with her family…
54
00:03:43,510 --> 00:03:45,430
…and I don't know why
I didn't wanna go.
55
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,810
A little because I didn't feel like
hanging out with her all weekend.
56
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:52,310
But mostly because her parents are
the weirdest people I have ever met…
57
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,770
…and I live in California.
58
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,490
I ate dinner at her house once
and I swore, never again.
59
00:03:57,650 --> 00:03:59,950
- This is interesting.
- Patchouli burger.
60
00:04:00,110 --> 00:04:02,200
We grew it in our victory garden.
61
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:03,820
You want some dessert?
62
00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:06,450
No, thank you.
I'm trying to watch my figure.
63
00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:08,410
Well, I'm not.
64
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:11,370
So I lied and told her I couldn't go…
65
00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:14,630
…because I had a date with a friend
of my brother's named George.
66
00:04:14,790 --> 00:04:17,880
Let's just face it, there is no such thing
as a sexy George.
67
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:19,470
Yeah, well, mine is…
68
00:04:19,630 --> 00:04:23,140
…so I think we should just
put this conversation to bed.
69
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:27,060
Fine, don't go camping with us.
Just know I hate you, bitch.
70
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,560
Go get your chocolate milk.
71
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,850
{\an8}- Do you want one?
- No.
72
00:04:33,020 --> 00:04:35,650
{\an8}And here's how I really spent
the weekend.
73
00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:46,660
That's the worst song ever.
74
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,580
{\an8}But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
how my weekend was….
75
00:05:36,750 --> 00:05:39,420
He was charming, you know?
He was a real gentleman.
76
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,840
And it feels like I got a love
and I know that it's all mine.
77
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,760
Okay, okay. Wait, wait.
So are you going to see him again?
78
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:49,220
No. No, probably not. You know,
it was just one of those weekends.
79
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:50,970
A whole weekend?
80
00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:52,640
Yup.
81
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,770
- Wait a minute. You didn't have--?
- What?
82
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,940
No. No, of course not.
83
00:05:58,110 --> 00:06:01,280
You liar.
You totally lost your V-card to him.
84
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,070
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
85
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,780
- Tell me everything.
- Rhi, I'm not that kind of girl.
86
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:08,280
The kind that does it,
or the kind that does it…
87
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:10,780
…and doesn't have the balls
to tell her friend?
88
00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:12,620
- What?
- I want every detail.
89
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,120
- Rhi.
- Now, bitch.
90
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,210
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
Okay?
91
00:06:16,370 --> 00:06:19,500
- It's not a term of endearment.
- I want every detail. Now, shitface.
92
00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:21,630
You're not heading
in the right direction.
93
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,210
Tell me.
94
00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:24,970
Fine.
95
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,510
We did it.
96
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:28,800
Yes!
97
00:06:28,970 --> 00:06:31,260
Finally.
Now you're a super slut like me.
98
00:06:31,430 --> 00:06:33,890
I don't think letting Peter Hedlund
motorboat you…
99
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,140
…behind a Bed Bath and Beyond
really makes you a super slut.
100
00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:40,610
There were a lot of people walking
past. Someone could've easily seen.
101
00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:44,490
Whatever. This isn't about me,
this is about you.
102
00:06:44,650 --> 00:06:45,690
What'd you let him do?
103
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,780
It was normal. You know?
Nothing freaky.
104
00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:53,200
I don't know why I did it.
105
00:06:53,370 --> 00:06:55,830
I guess maybe it was because
it was the first time…
106
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,460
…I had sort of felt superior to Rhi.
107
00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:02,000
But I just started piling on lie after lie.
It was like setting up Jenga.
108
00:07:02,170 --> 00:07:03,670
Do you know, like, Glade candles?
109
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:07,170
Those kind, but they were, like,
sexy Glade candles.
110
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:10,050
- He was sweet. He was….
- Of course.
111
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,430
What the hell are you looking at,
Sister Christian?
112
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,980
Just a couple of admitted whores.
113
00:07:22,230 --> 00:07:25,070
Marianne Bryant is the secretary
of the student council…
114
00:07:25,230 --> 00:07:27,650
…chairman of the Orange Blossom
dance committee…
115
00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:30,030
…and president of
the Cross Your Heart Club…
116
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,240
…a club dedicated to shoving
their beliefs down people's throats.
117
00:07:33,410 --> 00:07:34,870
Obviously they don't care.
118
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:38,000
{\an8}Last year's cause célèbre was
the changing of the school mascot.
119
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:42,250
{\an8}Give it up for your Blue Devils!
120
00:07:42,710 --> 00:07:44,420
Blue!
121
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:46,960
Blue Devil!
122
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:50,880
Yeah.
123
00:07:51,510 --> 00:07:53,890
Yeah!
124
00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:57,980
How can we exhibit school pride
when we're conveyed to others…
125
00:07:58,140 --> 00:07:59,770
…as Satan worshippers?
126
00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:03,400
Now, thankfully,
we're the much less intimidating….
127
00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:06,730
{\an8}Give it up for the Woodchucks!
128
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:09,190
Hey! Go, Woodchucks!
129
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,660
Woodchucks!
130
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,290
I liked Todd much better
when he was topless.
131
00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:23,630
Yeah, but even dressed as a
woodchuck, I still fantasize about him.
132
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,420
Woodchucks.
133
00:08:28,130 --> 00:08:30,260
Now Marianne had
a new cause célèbre.
134
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:31,930
Me.
135
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:34,550
{\an8}Which brings us to part two.
136
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,470
{\an8}The accelerated velocity
of terminological inexactitude.
137
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:43,310
Which is really just my obnoxious way
of saying that lies travel fast.
138
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:48,110
And, boy, did my terminological
inexactitude accelerate with velocity.
139
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,150
Did you hear about Olive?
140
00:09:11,010 --> 00:09:12,840
No way.
141
00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:23,310
- She's not a virgin anymore?
- I can't believe it.
142
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,310
- Olive lost her virginity.
- Yeah.
143
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,650
Maybe next time a certain somebody
will be a little more careful…
144
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,530
…what she says in the water closet.
145
00:09:31,690 --> 00:09:34,820
Yeah, about that? It's--
That's actually not what you think.
146
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:37,160
Can I talk to you alone
for a second?
147
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,450
- You gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.
148
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,370
Bye, Nina.
149
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:49,380
What you heard in the bathroom
the other day wasn't true at all.
150
00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:53,010
- It's actually a funny story.
- Olive. That's your name, right?
151
00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:56,510
Yeah, yeah. And you're Marianne.
152
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,050
We've had nine classes together
since kindergarten.
153
00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:02,220
Ten, if you count Religion
of Other Cultures, which you didn't…
154
00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:04,350
…because you refused to go.
155
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,190
Yeah. Listen, I'm not the one
that you have to answer to…
156
00:10:07,350 --> 00:10:08,770
…for your depraved behavior.
157
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:11,820
There's a higher power
that will judge you for your indecency.
158
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:13,860
Tom Cruise?
159
00:10:14,070 --> 00:10:16,450
I hope for your sake
that God has a sense of humor.
160
00:10:16,610 --> 00:10:20,240
Oh, I have 17 years' worth
of anecdotal proof he does.
161
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,330
You've made your bed.
162
00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:25,160
I just hope for your sake
that you've cleaned the sheets.
163
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,880
- Did I just get saved?
- I missed you.
164
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:30,210
Oh, you too.
165
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,750
So Marianne spread the rumor.
166
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,260
For the first time ever, my sexual
exploits were the talk of the school.
167
00:10:36,430 --> 00:10:38,890
Oh, you know what? I'm wrong.
It was the second time.
168
00:10:39,050 --> 00:10:41,050
The first time was back
in 8th grade…
169
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:44,890
…when all I wanted was a kiss from
this guy I had always had a crush on.
170
00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:48,310
Todd and I were thrown together
in Seven Minutes of Heaven.
171
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:53,150
Luckily we had a super romantic
song from our youth to set the mood.
172
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:56,240
I think this is the part…
173
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,070
…where you're supposed to
stick your tongue in my mouth.
174
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,780
That's what I've heard, anyway.
175
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:03,160
Just give me a second, okay?
176
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,080
According to my watch,
you have 382 of them.
177
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,500
- How do you do that?
- What?
178
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:09,960
Add so fast.
And you also talk like a grown-up.
179
00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:13,420
Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.
180
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:19,430
So if we didn't do anything,
could you still tell people we kissed?
181
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:23,720
Absolutely.
182
00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:26,060
- Thanks, Olive.
- Sure, Todd.
183
00:11:27,310 --> 00:11:29,100
I actually didn't wanna lie that time.
184
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:31,900
When people thought
I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.
185
00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:34,150
But when they thought
I slept with someone….
186
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,780
Hey, Olive. How's it going?
187
00:11:36,940 --> 00:11:39,610
I'm swell,
Guy-I've-Never-Talked-to-Before.
188
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,700
Thanks for asking.
189
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:47,120
All I could think to myself was,
"Great, now I'm a tramp."
190
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,290
I'm gonna have to get
a lower-back tattoo…
191
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,750
…and pierce something
not on my face.
192
00:11:52,130 --> 00:11:54,420
You guys know that
I was here all weekend, right?
193
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:56,000
- Yeah.
- Yes, you were upstairs.
194
00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:57,710
- Yeah.
- You would testify to that?
195
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,840
- Yeah.
- I would take a bullet for you.
196
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,760
You know that.
Right between the eyes.
197
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:04,220
Man, I would slit my throat…
198
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,310
…rather than say something
to someone…
199
00:12:06,470 --> 00:12:09,140
- …that you didn't want me to say.
- That's not necessary.
200
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:12,100
- But that is comforting.
- That's how I am, how I roll.
201
00:12:12,270 --> 00:12:14,020
That's how I do, as they say.
202
00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:17,730
- I like the pants.
- Thank you. They're Costco.
203
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:19,780
You can have them
when you get taller.
204
00:12:19,950 --> 00:12:22,450
- I'm never gonna go through puberty.
- Course you will.
205
00:12:22,610 --> 00:12:24,490
But we're a family of late bloomers.
206
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,410
I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.
207
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,500
Why does that matter? I'm adopted.
208
00:12:29,910 --> 00:12:33,380
What? Oh, my God. Who told you?
209
00:12:33,830 --> 00:12:36,920
Guys, we were gonna do this
at the right time.
210
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,130
Listen to me.
211
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,430
Sometimes, even when a man and
a woman love each other very much…
212
00:12:41,590 --> 00:12:43,260
…like your mother and I used to…
213
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,140
…their insides just don't cooperate
with each other.
214
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:47,560
So, what's going on, honey?
215
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,850
Why do you want us to take a bullet
if anyone asks if you were here?
216
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,350
It's nothing. It's just the rumor mill.
217
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:56,690
What's the rumor mill churning out
these days? Anything interesting?
218
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:59,900
You know, not really. Not really.
It's a little low on grist.
219
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,860
Clever wordplay. I like it.
You must be related to me.
220
00:13:03,030 --> 00:13:05,200
- Only by marriage.
- Give it to me.
221
00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:07,700
So, what we're all gonna take away
from this:
222
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,580
- I was here all weekend, right?
- Yes, yes, yes.
223
00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:14,040
Remember how I told you
Google Earth couldn't find me…
224
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,330
…if I was dressed up
as a ten-story building?
225
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:20,300
Well, the next day it could find me if I
was dressed as a crack on a sidewalk.
226
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:22,720
That's the beauty of being
a girl in high school.
227
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,390
People hear you had sex once
and, bam, you're a bimbo.
228
00:13:26,550 --> 00:13:29,100
I really didn't mean for the lie
to put me on the map…
229
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,430
…but I gotta admit,
I kind of liked being on the map.
230
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:36,860
So, clearly Nathaniel Hawthorne
is a complex writer.
231
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:38,650
Even I had trouble with him.
232
00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:41,900
I read him originally when I was 5,
but I struggled.
233
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:45,030
So I'm gonna break it down for you.
I'm gonna throw some rhymes.
234
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,200
Anson, drop me a beat.
235
00:13:47,370 --> 00:13:49,080
- What?
- Give me a beat.
236
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,120
Push it up.
237
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,870
Yeah, adultery, vengeance
238
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,380
Crimes of passion
239
00:13:57,540 --> 00:13:59,590
Kill the beat.
I'm not gonna rap for you.
240
00:13:59,750 --> 00:14:01,800
It's pandering
and it's been done before…
241
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,090
…in every bad movie
you've ever seen. Okay.
242
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:07,890
Ironically, we were studying
The Scarlet Letter.
243
00:14:08,050 --> 00:14:09,930
Now, isn't that always the way?
244
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,270
The books you read in class always
have some strong connection…
245
00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:16,270
…with whatever angsty
adolescent drama is going on.
246
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,400
Except for Huckleberry Finn.
I don't know any teenage boys…
247
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,150
…who have ever run away
with a big, hulking black guy.
248
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,780
For those who haven't read
The Scarlet Letter…
249
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:28,620
…or for those who said you did
but didn't, here's all you need to know.
250
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:31,620
This girl, Hester Prynne,
has an affair with a minister…
251
00:14:31,790 --> 00:14:35,620
…is besmirched and made to wear
a red A for "adulterer."
252
00:14:35,790 --> 00:14:38,080
The town realizes
she was too harshly judged…
253
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:41,130
…and she's really a good person,
and she dies a saint.
254
00:14:41,290 --> 00:14:43,130
A whole bunch
of other stuff happens too.
255
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:46,840
If you have a test on it, rent the movie,
but make sure it's the original…
256
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:50,640
…not the Demi Moore version where
she talks in a fake British accent…
257
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,560
…and takes a lot of baths.
258
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:57,640
To say that one was freely adapted
is a bit of an understatement, guvnor.
259
00:14:57,810 --> 00:14:59,810
What we have to realize…
260
00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:03,280
…is that Hester lived
in an entirely different time.
261
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:09,660
A time when the worst crime a woman
could commit was in fact adultery.
262
00:15:10,450 --> 00:15:11,490
Nina.
263
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,620
I think Hester Prynne was--
264
00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:16,330
Excuse my language. --a skank.
265
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,960
A skank? So you don't think
she was a victim at all?
266
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,330
Why should I?
She brought it on herself.
267
00:15:22,670 --> 00:15:27,170
Perhaps you should embroider a red A
on your wardrobe, abominable tramp.
268
00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:31,180
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe,
you abominable twat.
269
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:35,350
Not my best line,
but it was provocative enough…
270
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,020
…to land me in the principal's office.
271
00:15:43,570 --> 00:15:47,860
Seems as if someone's
on a downward spiral.
272
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,570
Seems as if someone's
practicing the mundane activities…
273
00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:53,910
…she'll be saddled with
the rest of her life.
274
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,870
I hope you at least had the good sense
to use protection.
275
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,500
Why? Your parents didn't.
276
00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:01,370
- You're going to hell.
- Just as long as you won't be there.
277
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:03,380
I can assure you I won't.
278
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,880
Good.
279
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:14,260
I don't care who started it.
Just work it out.
280
00:16:18,850 --> 00:16:19,890
Penderghast.
281
00:16:21,390 --> 00:16:24,110
So why am I just meeting you?
282
00:16:24,270 --> 00:16:26,860
Language like this would've
warranted a visit years ago.
283
00:16:27,030 --> 00:16:31,070
This is the first time I've done anything
remotely misbehavioral.
284
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,360
This is foul.
285
00:16:32,530 --> 00:16:34,780
I know. I am so--
I'm really, really sorry.
286
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,240
Sorry you said it
or sorry you got caught?
287
00:16:37,410 --> 00:16:39,370
Sorry I said it, honestly.
288
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:43,170
And sorry I got caught a little bit too,
but mostly just sorry I said it.
289
00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:47,250
If you use a word like this again in my
school, it'll be your last. Understand?
290
00:16:47,420 --> 00:16:48,460
Yes, sir. Yes.
291
00:16:48,630 --> 00:16:51,090
I mean, this isn't one of
those progressive schools…
292
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,760
…where teachers are called
by their first names…
293
00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:56,560
…and students
are partners in learning…
294
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,680
…and there's a fundraising auction
at the end of the year…
295
00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:03,100
…where the more creative parents
put on musical skits…
296
00:17:03,270 --> 00:17:05,270
…about the community garden.
297
00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:08,150
This is public school.
298
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:12,740
If I can keep the girls off the pole and
the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.
299
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:15,450
Now, if you're sent to me
one more time…
300
00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:18,990
…you're gonna be out on your fantail.
Now, am I making myself clear?
301
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,290
Yes, sir.
302
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,250
- Good.
- I think so.
303
00:17:22,410 --> 00:17:26,330
I mean, I got a little lost in the middle,
but I found my way back.
304
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:28,300
Detention after school tomorrow.
305
00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:31,460
Now, out.
306
00:17:33,130 --> 00:17:37,180
Even though it was my slutty alter ego
that said a bad word in school…
307
00:17:37,350 --> 00:17:39,600
…it was my ass that got in trouble…
308
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,770
…which was a place my ass
had never been before.
309
00:17:47,810 --> 00:17:49,400
Hey, Olive.
310
00:17:49,730 --> 00:17:52,360
Oh, my God. The illusion is shattered.
311
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,990
They put you in the gas chamber if you
take your head off at Disney World.
312
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,830
I think they just fire you.
You're thinking of Disneyland.
313
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,830
- Disney World is more liberal.
- Oh, yeah.
314
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:03,870
I always forget Disney World
went blue in the last election.
315
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:05,920
Are you going
to Melody Bostic's party?
316
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:07,670
I hadn't planned on it.
317
00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:10,880
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. It's a rehearsal dinner.
318
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:13,670
See you. Stay excellent.
319
00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:15,180
You too.
320
00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:16,640
- What's up, kid?
- Woodchuck.
321
00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:20,140
Please tell me the rumors are true.
322
00:18:20,310 --> 00:18:22,770
Yes. Yes. I am a big, fat slut.
323
00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:26,390
No, the one where you got suspended
for calling Nina Howell a dick…
324
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,650
…and punching her in the left tit.
325
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,320
I worry about the way information
circulates at this school.
326
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:35,650
Rhi? I need to tell you something.
327
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:38,700
Like the exact moment
you turned into such a badass?
328
00:18:38,870 --> 00:18:40,700
- I think I'm in love with you.
- Okay.
329
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,540
Tell me you left a mark
on that scrunched-up face of hers?
330
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,540
- It's not true.
- It wasn't the left tit?
331
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:48,540
It was the right one.
I always pegged you for a southpaw.
332
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,290
Can you listen to me
for one second, please?
333
00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:54,670
Okay. It didn't happen.
334
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:58,720
Oh, yeah, right. Your secret's safe
with me, you little sex monkey.
335
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:05,350
I got sent to the principal today.
336
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,600
Did you win a medal or something?
337
00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:08,810
Not exactly.
338
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:13,570
I used inappropriate language
in English class.
339
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:16,740
Although, we're reading a book
that I personally deem…
340
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:20,740
…inappropriate for our age group,
so I actually felt it was quite apropos.
341
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,160
What did you say?
342
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,410
Let's just say
it was an inappropriate word.
343
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:27,910
Well, what did it start with?
344
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,460
A snide comment
from a snotty girl in my class.
345
00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:34,000
No, I mean what letter
did the word start with?
346
00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:35,800
- T.
- Oh, T.
347
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:40,430
- T? Let us think. T, T, T.
- T. All right, T. Yeah, T.
348
00:19:40,590 --> 00:19:44,930
- T, T, T.
- T, T, T.
349
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:57,940
- Guys.
- Noun, adjective or verb?
350
00:19:58,110 --> 00:20:01,240
Noun. It's definitely slang.
Think British.
351
00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:03,280
Tallywhacker? Termagant?
352
00:20:06,950 --> 00:20:09,040
You're just saying sounds.
Those are sounds.
353
00:20:09,210 --> 00:20:12,130
- Spell it with your peas.
- Yeah, spell it with your peas. Do it.
354
00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:13,960
- I will take that challenge.
- Do it.
355
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,460
I like that. All right.
356
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:17,920
So does this have anything to do
with the rumor…
357
00:20:18,090 --> 00:20:20,130
…that you mentioned the other night?
358
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:23,600
Do you need to talk to us
about something, sweetie?
359
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,720
What's a twit?
360
00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:27,640
{\an8}That's an A, honey.
361
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,060
It'll get you sent
to the principal's office.
362
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,390
Sit down.
363
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:34,110
We're lucky that this
is not a common occurrence.
364
00:20:34,270 --> 00:20:36,320
What would my punishment
have been otherwise?
365
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,070
- Bed without supper, I guess.
- But I'm already finished.
366
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:43,490
- No dating. No dating.
- Yeah, no dating.
367
00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:45,660
- No dating for you, young lady.
- No dating.
368
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:48,080
I think my complete lack of allure…
369
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,830
…already kind of
shot that horse in the face.
370
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,170
I wouldn't know how to be grounded
more than you know how to ground.
371
00:20:54,330 --> 00:20:56,670
That's right. Love you. Come here.
372
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,550
And I bet that girl was acting
like exactly what you called her.
373
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:01,840
Oh, you have no idea.
374
00:21:04,010 --> 00:21:06,510
I got a B-plus
on my spelling test today.
375
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:10,270
That's good, honey, but everything
has spell check these days, so….
376
00:21:10,430 --> 00:21:11,600
Just kidding.
377
00:21:13,850 --> 00:21:15,770
Where are you from originally?
378
00:21:16,270 --> 00:21:17,900
So the next day I had detention…
379
00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:21,360
…which, thanks to recent budget cuts,
meant cleaning.
380
00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,950
I was looking forward to
getting all this behind me.
381
00:21:24,110 --> 00:21:26,700
I had done the crime,
I was gonna do the time.
382
00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:29,080
And that would be that,
but that….
383
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,040
Aren't there, like,
child labor laws against this?
384
00:21:32,210 --> 00:21:33,330
Not in high school.
385
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:37,670
The principal's like the captain
of the ship in international waters.
386
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,460
He can even marry people.
387
00:21:40,510 --> 00:21:43,130
We haven't talked in a while.
How have you been, Brandon?
388
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:46,970
Fabulous. I'm crushing it.
Everything according to plan.
389
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,140
I wanna be in detention.
390
00:21:49,310 --> 00:21:50,560
Yeah, why are you here?
391
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:54,190
From the blood I saw gushing out of
your nose, I thought you were bullied.
392
00:21:54,350 --> 00:21:57,730
Principal Gibbons is a homophobe,
which is why I called him a fascist.
393
00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:01,230
- So the rumors are true.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
394
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,030
I meant about
Gibbons being a fascist.
395
00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:08,580
So, what's with your new look?
Very whore couture.
396
00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:12,080
Oh, haven't you heard?
I'm the new school slut.
397
00:22:12,250 --> 00:22:15,830
You know, I did hear something.
I also heard he was twice your age.
398
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,590
Oh, no, no, no.
No, he was a freshman in college.
399
00:22:18,750 --> 00:22:20,880
I also heard he gave you crabs.
400
00:22:21,050 --> 00:22:23,760
- People suck.
- Tell me about it.
401
00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:27,340
He's not real.
402
00:22:28,850 --> 00:22:32,100
- What?
- The guy I slept with. I made him up.
403
00:22:32,270 --> 00:22:34,270
Wait, you started the rumor?
404
00:22:34,430 --> 00:22:36,480
Indirectly, I guess sort of.
405
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,940
Or actually, no.
No, not really. No, I didn't.
406
00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:44,070
Well, but you're perpetuating it.
That's really messed up.
407
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,360
Excuse me?
408
00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:48,620
You're not even a real slut,
you just want people to think you are.
409
00:22:48,780 --> 00:22:50,280
It's pathetic.
410
00:22:50,450 --> 00:22:55,290
No offense, but you could probably
learn something from me, Brando.
411
00:22:55,460 --> 00:23:00,170
Are you saying that I should
act straight so people will like me?
412
00:23:00,340 --> 00:23:04,130
That's groundbreaking. You should
teach a course at The Learning Annex.
413
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:07,380
It could be called "The Painfully
Obvious with Olive Penderghast…
414
00:23:07,550 --> 00:23:08,840
…the Fake School Slut."
415
00:23:09,010 --> 00:23:12,140
I was just suggesting that
maybe these kids we call peers…
416
00:23:12,310 --> 00:23:14,970
…are onto something.
You know, like Marianne Bryant.
417
00:23:15,140 --> 00:23:20,100
Maybe that whole stuck-up,
Jesus-freak thing is an act. You know?
418
00:23:20,270 --> 00:23:22,650
No, I think she's just
a stuck-up Jesus freak.
419
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:26,070
And there are some of us who are
just trying to blend in to the crowd.
420
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,240
Well, then you've gotta do
everything you can to blend in…
421
00:23:29,410 --> 00:23:31,160
…or decide not to care.
422
00:23:31,820 --> 00:23:35,080
I can't decide if you're a genius
or a lunatic.
423
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:39,250
Well, don't they sort of go
hand in hand?
424
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,130
- So you heard any word from George?
- Nope.
425
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:49,010
I told you, that was a one-night stand,
which is now over.
426
00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:51,260
You're being pretty cavalier
about this.
427
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:53,850
Aren't you supposed to be
eternally in love with him?
428
00:23:54,010 --> 00:23:57,680
Yes, I believe so. If I was a Gossip Girl
in Sweet Valley with traveling pants.
429
00:23:57,850 --> 00:24:02,190
But no, I'm not.
So I could really care less.
430
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:04,520
So Brandy Carter
was telling Vanessa Hodges…
431
00:24:04,690 --> 00:24:07,530
…that you were with three guys
in a Jacuzzi.
432
00:24:08,190 --> 00:24:09,610
Sounds like a lot of work.
433
00:24:09,780 --> 00:24:13,320
I guess that's still better than
getting it on with some old dude.
434
00:24:13,490 --> 00:24:14,830
Who said that?
435
00:24:14,990 --> 00:24:18,960
Do you know that Brandon kid?
That's what somebody told him.
436
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:20,210
Isn't he a homo?
437
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,210
Yeah.
438
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:30,170
Speak of the devil. Hello.
439
00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:33,050
I was just talking about you
with my friend, Rhiannon.
440
00:24:33,220 --> 00:24:36,640
You know Rhiannon.
She's perpetually angry.
441
00:24:36,810 --> 00:24:38,890
She curses like a Somali sailor. Bi--
442
00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,520
- Yeah. That's the one.
- "Bi--"? "Bi--"? What's "bi-"?
443
00:24:41,690 --> 00:24:44,360
- Okay.
- I wanna know what "bi--" is.
444
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,230
Hello, what's "bi--"? What is "bi--"?
445
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,480
- Bye.
- "Bi--"? What is "bi--"?
446
00:24:48,650 --> 00:24:51,650
Bedazzling personality?
Beautiful, beautiful soul?
447
00:24:51,820 --> 00:24:54,410
- Big tits.
- That's my identifier?
448
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,830
Yes!
449
00:24:56,990 --> 00:25:00,750
All right, well, that was Brandon. He
needs to talk to me about something.
450
00:25:00,910 --> 00:25:03,790
- Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
- Whatever, Big Tits.
451
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,500
Heck, yeah!
452
00:25:06,250 --> 00:25:08,090
Big tits!
453
00:25:08,250 --> 00:25:11,050
The next day,
things took a turn for the scandalous…
454
00:25:11,220 --> 00:25:13,180
{\an8}…which brings us to part three.
455
00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:17,100
{\an8}A lady's choice
and a gentleman's agreement.
456
00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:33,110
Hi. Is there an Olive here?
457
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,450
There's a whole jar of them
in the fridge.
458
00:25:35,620 --> 00:25:37,780
I'm sorry,
I must have the wrong address.
459
00:25:37,950 --> 00:25:39,290
Just kidding. Come on in.
460
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,370
Any friend of Olive's
is a friend of our daughter's.
461
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,540
Olive, sweetie.
462
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:47,790
There's a young man
here to see you.
463
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,630
He said something about asking
for your hand in marriage.
464
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,090
Oh, happy day, Mama!
465
00:25:54,260 --> 00:25:56,590
Oh, I thought I was gonna have
to spend my dowry…
466
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,600
…on booze and pills
to numb the loneliness.
467
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,100
A gentleman caller, hurray!
468
00:26:02,270 --> 00:26:04,600
- What's that?
- Olive has a boy in her room.
469
00:26:04,770 --> 00:26:05,940
- A boy?
- A boy.
470
00:26:06,100 --> 00:26:08,310
- Wow, a boy.
- A boy.
471
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,150
A boy?
472
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,150
A boy.
473
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:16,660
Welcome.
This is where the magic happens.
474
00:26:16,820 --> 00:26:18,490
And by magic I mean nothing.
475
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,280
- Do you wanna go out with me?
- What?
476
00:26:20,450 --> 00:26:23,120
Well, I mean, like,
do you wanna be my girlfriend?
477
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:28,750
Brandon, just a couple hours ago
you told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
478
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,670
True, but you said I should
pretend to be straight, so….
479
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,670
Yeah, I didn't mean with me.
480
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:38,800
I mean, you're a nice guy and all,
but you're not really my type.
481
00:26:38,970 --> 00:26:40,760
Yeah, you're not really
my type either.
482
00:26:40,930 --> 00:26:43,850
Yeah, I know that. I got that V
where you'd rather see a P.
483
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:45,690
Do you wanna
have sex with me or not?
484
00:26:45,850 --> 00:26:47,810
Oh, my God, dude.
485
00:26:47,980 --> 00:26:49,440
You completely missed the point.
486
00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:52,360
- That's not what I was saying.
- I know what you were saying.
487
00:26:52,530 --> 00:26:55,030
I should act straight
till I get out of this hellhole.
488
00:26:55,190 --> 00:26:57,360
Then I can be whoever I wanna be.
I get that.
489
00:26:57,530 --> 00:27:00,370
You know that I didn't have sex
with a college guy, right?
490
00:27:00,530 --> 00:27:02,290
I just told everybody I did.
491
00:27:02,450 --> 00:27:06,040
Actually, I told one person I did.
And you know how these things work.
492
00:27:06,210 --> 00:27:07,370
It's like wildfire.
493
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,130
So you're saying
I shouldn't really have sex?
494
00:27:11,290 --> 00:27:15,010
I should just say I had sex
with someone. A girl.
495
00:27:15,170 --> 00:27:17,550
Yes. Yes.
496
00:27:24,970 --> 00:27:26,560
Oh, no.
497
00:27:26,810 --> 00:27:29,940
- Wai-- Just--
- Oh, no, no, no.
498
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,230
- No way! No way!
- Just wait. Wait, wait. Stop it, stop it.
499
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,740
- Absolutely not.
- Think about it. Think about it.
500
00:27:35,900 --> 00:27:38,150
- We could help each other out.
- No.
501
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,910
You wanna maintain
this floozy facade.
502
00:27:41,070 --> 00:27:44,240
I don't wanna get pushed into shit
every day. It's a win-win-win.
503
00:27:44,410 --> 00:27:46,580
How do you know I like
being thought of as a floozy?
504
00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,830
Because at least
you're being thought of.
505
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,040
Just one good imaginary bonk.
506
00:27:52,210 --> 00:27:54,750
You are on crack. All right?
And not the good kind.
507
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:56,260
It doesn't have to be a bonk.
508
00:27:56,420 --> 00:27:58,930
It could be an imaginary butterbean,
lemon squeeze….
509
00:27:59,090 --> 00:28:02,300
- I don't know what any of that means.
- That's because you're a virgin.
510
00:28:02,470 --> 00:28:04,600
You know what?
This is not the answer at all.
511
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,850
- I'll pay you whatever you want.
- I don't want your money, Brandon.
512
00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:10,020
Just do what I did
and make someone up.
513
00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:12,060
Who's going to believe me?
514
00:28:13,860 --> 00:28:18,030
You don't understand how hard it is,
all right? I'm tormented.
515
00:28:18,190 --> 00:28:22,410
And every day at school
is like I'm being suffocated.
516
00:28:22,570 --> 00:28:24,950
And sure, we can sit
and fantasize all we want…
517
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,580
…about how things
are gonna be different one day…
518
00:28:27,750 --> 00:28:29,620
…but this is today and it sucks.
519
00:28:29,790 --> 00:28:33,000
There's only one way around it.
You were smart enough to think of it.
520
00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:35,750
So please, just help me.
521
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:39,590
Because I can't take another day
of this. I don't know what I'll do.
522
00:28:47,430 --> 00:28:49,980
I don't do anything half-assed.
All right?
523
00:28:50,140 --> 00:28:51,640
It'll have to be a public event.
524
00:28:51,810 --> 00:28:54,230
Melody Bostic is throwing
a party tomorrow night.
525
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:58,320
All of your tormentors will be there.
You and I are going together. All right?
526
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:02,660
You have to do everything I say and
tell everyone that I am sensational.
527
00:29:02,820 --> 00:29:05,950
- Thank you so much for doing this.
- Just…
528
00:29:06,580 --> 00:29:09,790
…you know, make sure you're ready
to live with the consequences.
529
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:14,920
- What the hell is a lemon squeeze?
- It's like a backwards melon bag.
530
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,130
How don't I know any of this?
531
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,680
The next night was the party
at Melody Bostic's house.
532
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,180
She is the most popular girl
in school.
533
00:29:25,340 --> 00:29:27,890
It's partly because she's pretty
and has perfect hair…
534
00:29:28,060 --> 00:29:30,980
…but mostly because her parents
let her have these parties…
535
00:29:31,140 --> 00:29:33,600
…every time she catches them
doing it in the pool…
536
00:29:33,770 --> 00:29:36,900
…which is every week, apparently.
537
00:29:37,060 --> 00:29:40,030
Brandon and I showed up
when it was in full swing.
538
00:29:40,190 --> 00:29:43,320
I borrowed a dress from my mom,
Brandon borrowed a jacket from me…
539
00:29:43,490 --> 00:29:45,410
…and we put on a little show.
540
00:29:45,570 --> 00:29:48,240
Hey, Olive and Brandon.
541
00:29:48,410 --> 00:29:49,700
What's up?
542
00:29:49,870 --> 00:29:53,250
I hope you don't mind, but we had
a few pre-cocktail-party cocktails…
543
00:29:53,410 --> 00:29:56,500
…like, before the cocktail party
with cocktails.
544
00:29:58,250 --> 00:30:01,340
Listen, here's the sitch,
Melody Bostic.
545
00:30:02,090 --> 00:30:06,140
Brandon was just in the middle
of telling me this really funny thing…
546
00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:07,470
…which is really funny.
547
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:11,430
And I was wondering if there's,
like, a room where we could go…
548
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,890
…where he could finish telling me
that thing that's funny…
549
00:30:15,060 --> 00:30:16,350
…if you know what I mean.
550
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:17,810
You can use my room.
551
00:30:18,980 --> 00:30:20,730
Down the hall to the left.
552
00:30:21,980 --> 00:30:24,240
Cool.
553
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,490
Is that Olive with Brandon?
554
00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:29,580
I know. What the hell, right?
555
00:30:29,740 --> 00:30:31,450
You guys are my buddies.
556
00:30:31,620 --> 00:30:33,250
I'm drunk, bitches. What's up?
557
00:30:33,410 --> 00:30:34,910
I love your room!
558
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:37,420
My sheets. Put a towel down.
559
00:30:37,580 --> 00:30:41,300
- Olive's gonna do a gay dude.
- Thanks. Close the shades.
560
00:30:46,090 --> 00:30:47,510
- What are you doing?
- Relax.
561
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:51,350
Jesus, what is with you gays? Are you
really that repulsed by lady parts?
562
00:30:51,510 --> 00:30:53,770
What do you think I have down there,
a gnome?
563
00:30:59,770 --> 00:31:03,860
So nice. What is that, lavender?
It's pretty.
564
00:31:04,030 --> 00:31:06,740
What are you doing? Can you--?
Can you come here, please?
565
00:31:06,900 --> 00:31:09,070
Jacket off. Come on.
566
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:12,870
All right. Come on.
Chop-chop. All right.
567
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,410
Now grunt.
Grunt and make it convincing.
568
00:31:17,330 --> 00:31:20,130
I said grunt, not whine. Just grunt.
569
00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:26,800
Moan, you know? Like, sex noises.
570
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:29,970
God, you are pathetic.
571
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:39,650
Good. Good.
572
00:31:41,980 --> 00:31:44,360
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
573
00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:46,320
Oh, yeah.
574
00:31:46,490 --> 00:31:48,780
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
575
00:31:52,780 --> 00:31:55,450
- You don't have to be so aggressive.
- You don't like that?
576
00:31:55,620 --> 00:31:57,660
- No, I don't like that.
- You don't like that?
577
00:31:57,830 --> 00:31:59,120
How about that?
578
00:31:59,290 --> 00:32:01,130
- Little better.
- Yeah, you like that.
579
00:32:01,290 --> 00:32:03,000
I like that.
580
00:32:03,170 --> 00:32:06,130
- This guy, he's gay, no?
- I think he's gay.
581
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,800
- Don't stop!
- Keep going.
582
00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:11,180
- Don't stop.
- I'm not gonna stop.
583
00:32:11,340 --> 00:32:12,640
I'm not gonna stop.
584
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:14,180
Now you try. You try.
585
00:32:14,350 --> 00:32:18,520
I'm gonna turn you around
and take you from the back.
586
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:21,190
That's not gonna make people
think you're straight.
587
00:32:21,350 --> 00:32:25,520
Never mind that gayness
because I'm a straight guy. Roar!
588
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,530
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
589
00:32:31,700 --> 00:32:33,870
- That's awesome! That's perfect!
- Yeah!
590
00:32:34,030 --> 00:32:35,660
That's what I'm talking about!
591
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:39,160
Do you smell that?
Do you smell us?
592
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,040
Did he just say it smelled?
593
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:45,210
Isn't it supposed to smell?
594
00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:47,170
You're not supposed
to comment on it.
595
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:51,800
- It doesn't really smell that bad.
- Oh, yeah. Yes, God!
596
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:55,010
- Don't stop. Yeah!
- Don't stop. It's too much fun.
597
00:32:55,180 --> 00:32:57,310
- You ready for the grand finale?
- Yeah. What?
598
00:32:58,930 --> 00:33:02,770
Oh, yeah.
599
00:33:03,060 --> 00:33:04,150
Yeah.
600
00:33:08,190 --> 00:33:10,190
Come on.
601
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:12,030
Oh, my God.
602
00:33:14,660 --> 00:33:17,870
Go forth, my son.
You're a man now.
603
00:33:19,410 --> 00:33:20,540
Hey.
604
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:23,210
Thank you.
605
00:33:26,340 --> 00:33:29,340
Seriously, thanks.
606
00:33:38,010 --> 00:33:39,060
- Here.
- What is this?
607
00:33:39,390 --> 00:33:40,470
Evidence.
608
00:33:45,650 --> 00:33:48,860
What's up?
609
00:33:53,780 --> 00:33:55,410
Hey, man.
610
00:33:55,950 --> 00:33:56,950
How was she?
611
00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:02,200
Well, well, let's just say
I'll be walking funny tomorrow.
612
00:34:02,370 --> 00:34:04,210
What?
613
00:34:04,870 --> 00:34:07,460
- I'm drunk. What's up, bitches?
- Yeah!
614
00:34:19,260 --> 00:34:21,970
- Whoa, hey.
- Todd, hi.
615
00:34:22,140 --> 00:34:24,600
I thought you were at
your cousin's rehearsal dinner.
616
00:34:24,770 --> 00:34:27,480
It was a quick rehearsal.
I only had one line.
617
00:34:28,150 --> 00:34:29,150
That was a joke.
618
00:34:30,190 --> 00:34:31,780
I know.
619
00:34:32,030 --> 00:34:34,070
Yeah, sorry. How's it going?
620
00:34:34,860 --> 00:34:36,990
You know, I'm--
621
00:34:37,530 --> 00:34:39,330
- I'm here.
- Can I get you a beer?
622
00:34:39,490 --> 00:34:41,830
That rhymed. I liked it.
623
00:34:42,290 --> 00:34:43,750
Yeah.
624
00:34:53,090 --> 00:34:55,170
- I'm gonna go.
- You sure?
625
00:34:55,340 --> 00:34:59,350
- Yeah. Bye.
- See you at the salt mines.
626
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:01,350
Maybe this is gonna sound stupid…
627
00:35:01,510 --> 00:35:04,930
…and, believe me, it's not like
I was expecting, you know, fireworks…
628
00:35:05,100 --> 00:35:07,650
…or a string quartet or anything…
629
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:11,230
…but I always thought pretending
to lose my virginity…
630
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,150
…would be a little more…
631
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:15,440
…I don't know, special?
632
00:35:16,530 --> 00:35:19,240
Judy Blume should've
prepared me for that.
633
00:35:26,870 --> 00:35:28,330
That is so beautiful.
634
00:35:28,500 --> 00:35:29,960
Never had one lesson.
635
00:35:30,130 --> 00:35:32,590
That boy from yesterday
just dropped this off for you.
636
00:35:32,750 --> 00:35:37,010
Well, put it in the pile of gifts
from my other suitors.
637
00:35:37,170 --> 00:35:39,970
- Thanks.
- He seems like a nice kid.
638
00:35:40,140 --> 00:35:42,180
He seemed a little incredibly gay.
639
00:35:42,350 --> 00:35:44,810
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual,
that boy is.
640
00:35:44,970 --> 00:35:48,230
I just want you to know
your father and I are totally supportive.
641
00:35:48,390 --> 00:35:50,770
We love you no matter
what the sexual orientation…
642
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:52,650
…of your opposite-sex sex partner.
643
00:35:52,820 --> 00:35:54,070
We're not dating, Mom.
644
00:35:54,230 --> 00:35:57,030
And don't worry about
not making us grandparents…
645
00:35:57,190 --> 00:36:00,110
…although we were kind of hoping
you'd get knocked up…
646
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,660
…so we'd have a second shot
at raising kids.
647
00:36:02,830 --> 00:36:05,040
Really do it right this time.
648
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,370
- Bye now.
- I dated a homosexual once.
649
00:36:08,540 --> 00:36:11,750
For a long time, actually.
A long time.
650
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:15,630
Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you did
not marry and have children with him.
651
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:17,340
No.
652
00:36:17,510 --> 00:36:18,550
No, no, no.
653
00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:20,760
Your father is as straight
as they come.
654
00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:23,260
A little too straight,
if you know what I mean.
655
00:36:23,430 --> 00:36:25,930
I don't. Can you shut the door, please?
656
00:36:29,060 --> 00:36:31,650
Okay, door's right over there.
Keep going.
657
00:36:31,810 --> 00:36:36,190
- Take it down.
- Go take that out to Dad. Nice.
658
00:36:42,820 --> 00:36:46,950
"Just in case you don't shop at Target.
Then you can go screw yourself.
659
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:48,700
Brandon."
660
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:57,840
Hi, Rhi.
661
00:36:58,010 --> 00:37:01,260
Is it true you got with Brandon
at Melody Dipshit's party?
662
00:37:02,010 --> 00:37:03,840
Is that what people
are saying happened?
663
00:37:04,010 --> 00:37:06,970
That's what everyone
is saying happened.
664
00:37:07,140 --> 00:37:10,020
Well, then I guess that--
I guess that's true.
665
00:37:10,180 --> 00:37:13,100
Just because you lost your virginity
doesn't mean you can go…
666
00:37:13,270 --> 00:37:16,980
- …throwing your cat at everybody.
- I'm not throwing my cat at everybody.
667
00:37:17,150 --> 00:37:20,150
I had to hear from Jackie Rudetsky.
668
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:21,990
Do you know
how embarrassing that is?
669
00:37:22,150 --> 00:37:26,490
Finding out you slept with some
gay dude from Jackie Rudetsky?
670
00:37:26,660 --> 00:37:28,040
Must've been embarrassing.
671
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:29,950
Why didn't you tell me
you were going?
672
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,120
I would've come with
and held your hair.
673
00:37:32,290 --> 00:37:34,420
Are you really making this
about you right now?
674
00:37:34,580 --> 00:37:38,170
- You're starting to get a reputation.
- You're coming off as a little pious.
675
00:37:38,340 --> 00:37:40,050
You're pissing me off
more than usual.
676
00:37:40,210 --> 00:37:42,170
I think it's a best friend's duty…
677
00:37:42,340 --> 00:37:46,680
…to let her know that everyone, and
I do mean everyone, is calling her…
678
00:37:46,850 --> 00:37:48,430
…a dirty skank.
679
00:37:48,970 --> 00:37:52,350
Well, do you think I'm a dirty skank?
680
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,440
You know, I didn't wanna believe it,
but I guess it's true.
681
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:58,360
That is your identifier.
682
00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:00,940
And you're a jealous virgin.
683
00:38:01,110 --> 00:38:02,280
So….
684
00:38:04,150 --> 00:38:06,200
People thought I was a dirty skank?
685
00:38:06,370 --> 00:38:09,540
Fine, I'd be the dirtiest skank
they'd ever seen.
686
00:38:31,890 --> 00:38:33,560
Shit.
687
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:41,650
Is everything all right? It sounds like
you're having sex in here…
688
00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:45,400
…which can't be true, due to the fact
that you have a homosexual boyfriend.
689
00:38:45,570 --> 00:38:47,990
He's not my boyfriend.
690
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:51,870
Hey, no judgment.
All God's children. It's fine.
691
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,750
I was gay once for a while.
692
00:38:54,910 --> 00:38:58,080
No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.
693
00:38:58,250 --> 00:39:00,170
Dad, can you just
shut the door, please?
694
00:39:00,340 --> 00:39:01,420
You all right, buddy?
695
00:39:03,710 --> 00:39:05,260
Yeah.
696
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:07,840
Give them hell.
697
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:54,970
- Hey, Anson.
- Hey.
698
00:39:55,140 --> 00:40:00,650
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."
699
00:40:01,270 --> 00:40:03,650
What's a--? What's an anagram?
700
00:40:03,980 --> 00:40:05,110
Look it up, big boy.
701
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,650
What's your problem?
702
00:40:07,820 --> 00:40:09,400
You wanna know
what my problem is?
703
00:40:09,570 --> 00:40:13,410
No. That was a rhetorical question.
I don't wanna know anything from you.
704
00:40:13,580 --> 00:40:15,580
We are not friends anymore.
705
00:40:15,740 --> 00:40:17,540
We are officially over.
706
00:40:17,700 --> 00:40:19,160
Oh, rats.
707
00:40:19,330 --> 00:40:23,540
I want my Juicy sweatshirt back. It was
too loose around your chest anyway.
708
00:40:23,710 --> 00:40:25,750
Burn.
709
00:40:26,130 --> 00:40:27,840
- Stop.
- What?
710
00:40:47,530 --> 00:40:49,190
What are you doing?
711
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:51,990
Nothing.
712
00:40:55,660 --> 00:40:58,160
Don't forget, tomorrow's Earth Day.
713
00:40:58,870 --> 00:41:02,540
Guys, we have a problem:
Olive Penderghast.
714
00:41:02,710 --> 00:41:04,380
- We need to pray for her.
- Amen.
715
00:41:04,540 --> 00:41:07,130
But we also need to
get her the hell out of here.
716
00:41:07,300 --> 00:41:08,340
Amen.
717
00:41:08,510 --> 00:41:10,720
You heard what happened
at Melody Bostic's.
718
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,760
- I was there. I heard the whole thing.
- That's not something…
719
00:41:13,930 --> 00:41:16,890
- …you need to advertise, Kurt.
- Sorry. But I was.
720
00:41:17,060 --> 00:41:21,230
I tried to witness to her, but this girl
is defiant to any type of help.
721
00:41:21,390 --> 00:41:24,060
Anybody here think they can
talk to her, get her to see…
722
00:41:24,230 --> 00:41:26,270
…what she's doing is wrong?
723
00:41:28,900 --> 00:41:32,150
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry, you guys. This is so stupid.
724
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,660
No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.
725
00:41:35,820 --> 00:41:36,910
- It's real.
- Yeah, it is.
726
00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:38,950
Jesus tells us to love everyone.
727
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:43,710
I mean, even the whores and
the homosexuals, but it's just so hard.
728
00:41:43,870 --> 00:41:48,420
It's so hard because they keep
doing it over and over again.
729
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:51,170
Make me a promise.
730
00:41:51,340 --> 00:41:53,930
Make God a promise,
right here and right now…
731
00:41:54,090 --> 00:41:57,050
…that we will remain
pure and chaste until marriage.
732
00:41:57,220 --> 00:41:58,260
We promise.
733
00:41:58,430 --> 00:42:01,770
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
734
00:42:01,930 --> 00:42:06,310
I love you guys. God loves you guys.
Now, let's change lives today.
735
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:08,520
- Micah?
- Let's do it.
736
00:42:33,090 --> 00:42:35,260
I didn't know what they
were so upset about.
737
00:42:35,430 --> 00:42:38,300
I put an A on my wardrobe
just like they asked.
738
00:42:38,470 --> 00:42:41,810
Maybe it was because I was wearing
clothes that were two sizes too small.
739
00:42:41,970 --> 00:42:43,310
Hey, Olive!
740
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,190
You left your glass slipper
at the party the other night.
741
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:51,610
Yeah, and I got pumpkin
all over my dress too.
742
00:42:52,610 --> 00:42:54,990
Nice. Solid joke.
743
00:42:55,150 --> 00:42:57,700
It sucks because we could've
revisited Melody's bedroom.
744
00:42:57,860 --> 00:42:59,950
Oh, my God,
that was Melody Bostic's house.
745
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:02,830
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you remember that.
746
00:43:02,990 --> 00:43:06,500
Well, yeah, come on. Who doesn't
remember their first almost-kiss?
747
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:10,630
Hey, Olive.
748
00:43:10,790 --> 00:43:12,500
Evan. Hey, what's rocking?
749
00:43:12,670 --> 00:43:14,170
Can I talk to you for a second?
750
00:43:14,340 --> 00:43:16,050
Yeah, what's up?
751
00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:19,050
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.
752
00:43:19,220 --> 00:43:23,010
Oh, well, rest assured,
it was equally as thrilling for me.
753
00:43:23,180 --> 00:43:24,980
No, he told me the truth.
754
00:43:26,100 --> 00:43:28,230
I was just hoping
you could do the same for me?
755
00:43:28,730 --> 00:43:30,150
Goodbye, Evan.
756
00:43:30,310 --> 00:43:33,110
Wait, wait. I can pay you.
757
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,070
I am about six seconds away
from slapping you so hard…
758
00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:39,280
- …your teeth will bleed.
- Can you do it in front of everyone?
759
00:43:41,070 --> 00:43:43,580
I don't need your permission,
you know.
760
00:43:45,830 --> 00:43:47,040
What?
761
00:43:47,210 --> 00:43:49,830
I mean, at the rate you're going…
762
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,170
…I don't see how people
won't believe it.
763
00:43:52,340 --> 00:43:54,750
- Are you threatening me?
- I'll give you 100 bucks.
764
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:56,340
You are repugnant.
765
00:43:57,220 --> 00:43:58,590
That's the problem.
766
00:44:00,220 --> 00:44:01,220
Never mind.
767
00:44:02,390 --> 00:44:04,390
I'm sorry I asked.
768
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:13,270
I knew it wouldn't work.
769
00:44:13,820 --> 00:44:15,150
I'm just a fat piece of shit.
770
00:44:16,690 --> 00:44:18,650
When will high school end already?
771
00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:26,080
Shit.
772
00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:30,710
I want a $100 gift card deposited
into my locker by noon tomorrow.
773
00:44:30,870 --> 00:44:34,090
Preferably to the Gap, but I will
also take Amazon.com or OfficeMax.
774
00:44:34,250 --> 00:44:38,260
Actually, make it OfficeMax.
I have my eye on a label maker.
775
00:44:38,420 --> 00:44:41,050
We did not have sex, okay?
776
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:44,260
I let you fondle my chest,
and it was a glorious moment for you…
777
00:44:44,430 --> 00:44:47,600
…unmatched by anything
you've experienced, including cake.
778
00:44:47,770 --> 00:44:48,810
Got it?
779
00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,940
Wait a minute.
A hundred bucks for second base?
780
00:44:52,100 --> 00:44:54,560
- Yeah.
- Doesn't that seem a little steep?
781
00:44:54,730 --> 00:44:58,440
Can we throw in, like, some
butt action or some pants rubbing?
782
00:44:58,610 --> 00:45:01,200
- What are you, 9?
- Whatever. Are you in?
783
00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:05,410
- Whatever.
- Deal, then.
784
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:07,700
Thanks, Olive.
785
00:45:07,870 --> 00:45:09,500
You know, the sad thing is, Evan…
786
00:45:09,660 --> 00:45:14,130
…if you'd been a gentleman
and maybe asked me on a date…
787
00:45:14,290 --> 00:45:15,500
…I might've said yes.
788
00:45:15,670 --> 00:45:18,300
Really?
Do you wanna go out with me?
789
00:45:18,460 --> 00:45:20,010
Not now I don't, shit-dick.
790
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:27,310
It should come as no surprise that the
rumor I was soliciting sex for money…
791
00:45:27,470 --> 00:45:29,720
…spread around the school
faster than….
792
00:45:29,890 --> 00:45:33,560
Well, faster than the first rumor
about me spread.
793
00:45:36,610 --> 00:45:38,440
Guys, come over here.
794
00:46:05,180 --> 00:46:07,350
She'll do stuff for money.
Around the world….
795
00:46:07,510 --> 00:46:10,680
But for people who knew the truth,
I was open for business.
796
00:46:10,850 --> 00:46:15,310
And whether I liked it or not,
I had a lot of customers.
797
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,860
Phil Lord gave me
100 bucks from Best Buy…
798
00:46:19,020 --> 00:46:22,530
…so he could tell people
we hooked up behind the library.
799
00:46:22,690 --> 00:46:25,450
I got $50 from T.J. Maxx
so that Eric Ling could say…
800
00:46:25,610 --> 00:46:28,240
…we got it on during Chemistry.
801
00:46:28,580 --> 00:46:32,160
Ninety dollars from Panda Express
so Ryan Dukes could tell people…
802
00:46:32,330 --> 00:46:36,040
…I showed him mine,
but he did not show me his.
803
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:38,500
Chris Miller,
big spender that he is…
804
00:46:38,670 --> 00:46:42,210
…gave me $40 worth of movie passes
for my pretend cowbell.
805
00:46:42,380 --> 00:46:44,670
They had an expiration date
and were only good…
806
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:46,680
…at the stupid foreign movie theater.
807
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:52,850
Hi. One for
Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.
808
00:46:53,020 --> 00:46:55,980
But even that is better
than Sanjay Chandrasekhar.
809
00:46:56,140 --> 00:47:00,270
Seriously? A coupon? Twenty percent
off to Bath and Body Works?
810
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:03,610
Is that how much our imaginary tryst
meant to you?
811
00:47:03,990 --> 00:47:05,570
I fake rocked your world.
812
00:47:05,740 --> 00:47:08,240
- It's all I can afford.
- How's that my problem, amigo?
813
00:47:08,410 --> 00:47:11,410
I knew he wasn't Latino,
but for some reason all these shady…
814
00:47:11,580 --> 00:47:13,870
…backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.
815
00:47:14,250 --> 00:47:16,370
- Beat it, ese.
- Okay.
816
00:47:16,540 --> 00:47:18,500
Whatever happened to chivalry?
817
00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:21,590
Does it only exist in '80s movies?
818
00:47:21,750 --> 00:47:25,840
I want John Cusack holding
a boombox outside my window.
819
00:47:26,010 --> 00:47:28,640
I wanna ride off on a lawn mower
with Patrick Dempsey.
820
00:47:29,090 --> 00:47:32,890
I want Jake from Sixteen Candles
waiting outside the church for me.
821
00:47:33,060 --> 00:47:35,810
I want Judd Nelson
thrusting his fist into the air…
822
00:47:35,980 --> 00:47:37,440
…because he knows he got me.
823
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,560
Just once, I want my life
to be like an '80s movie.
824
00:47:41,150 --> 00:47:43,940
Preferably one with a really awesome
musical number…
825
00:47:44,110 --> 00:47:46,150
…for no apparent reason.
826
00:47:46,690 --> 00:47:51,240
But, no. No.
John Hughes did not direct my life.
827
00:47:51,410 --> 00:47:54,200
So instead of all that…
828
00:47:54,370 --> 00:47:57,580
…I get to save 15 cents…
829
00:47:57,750 --> 00:48:00,580
…on a bottle of Juniper Breeze
Antibacterial Gel.
830
00:48:00,750 --> 00:48:05,050
So if you're still with me,
and I'm hoping that most of you are…
831
00:48:05,210 --> 00:48:07,970
…this brings us to part four.
832
00:48:09,470 --> 00:48:12,800
How I, Olive Penderghast,
went from assumed trollop…
833
00:48:12,970 --> 00:48:14,640
…to an actual home-wrecker.
834
00:48:16,980 --> 00:48:20,810
- You wanted to see me?
- I did. Why don't you come in here?
835
00:48:28,320 --> 00:48:29,360
What's going on?
836
00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:32,820
- I'm accessorizing.
- Really?
837
00:48:32,990 --> 00:48:36,540
I think you're taking your reading
assignment a little bit too seriously.
838
00:48:36,700 --> 00:48:40,080
Well, I was really hoping
to get an A. Get it?
839
00:48:43,130 --> 00:48:44,500
I'm hearing some rumors.
840
00:48:44,670 --> 00:48:47,880
Well, those are true. I am considering
becoming an existentialist.
841
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:50,630
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Jeez.
842
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:55,100
When did teachers become
privy to idle adolescent gossip?
843
00:48:55,260 --> 00:49:01,100
That would be when everyone
is putting everything up on Facebook.
844
00:49:01,270 --> 00:49:03,690
I don't know what
your generation's fascination is…
845
00:49:03,860 --> 00:49:06,230
…with documenting
your every thought…
846
00:49:06,400 --> 00:49:09,610
…but I can assure you
they're not all diamonds.
847
00:49:09,780 --> 00:49:12,200
"Roman is having an okay day…
848
00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:16,530
…and bought a Coke Zero
at the gas station.
849
00:49:16,700 --> 00:49:18,120
Raise the roof."
850
00:49:18,290 --> 00:49:19,540
Who gives a rat's ass?
851
00:49:19,700 --> 00:49:22,040
He got a Coke Zero again?
852
00:49:22,210 --> 00:49:24,380
That Roman. Incorrigible.
853
00:49:24,540 --> 00:49:28,250
Listen, whatever this little act is about,
I just-- I'm curious.
854
00:49:28,420 --> 00:49:31,340
I really think you should consider
giving me extra credit…
855
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:32,800
…for going the extra mile.
856
00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,970
I'm really attempting to understand
this puritanical ostracism…
857
00:49:36,140 --> 00:49:39,180
- …Hawthorne wrote about.
- You are one of the few that read it.
858
00:49:39,350 --> 00:49:42,020
If I read one more paper
from one of your classmates…
859
00:49:42,190 --> 00:49:46,810
…who talks about how hot she is in
the bathtub, her fake British accent…
860
00:49:46,980 --> 00:49:51,030
…or, is she still married to
Ashton Kutcher, I'm gonna kill myself.
861
00:49:51,190 --> 00:49:53,860
Why don't people just watch
the original movie like I did?
862
00:49:54,450 --> 00:49:55,870
I know you read the book.
863
00:49:56,910 --> 00:49:58,080
I did.
864
00:49:58,240 --> 00:50:01,660
Listen, I want to apologize for
sending you to the principal's office.
865
00:50:01,830 --> 00:50:04,330
Truthfully, and I'll deny it
if you say anything…
866
00:50:04,500 --> 00:50:07,250
…I wanted to be cheering
with the rest of the students.
867
00:50:07,420 --> 00:50:09,920
I don't know what it is about Nina.
868
00:50:10,210 --> 00:50:11,840
I hate her.
869
00:50:12,010 --> 00:50:13,050
I won't tell.
870
00:50:13,220 --> 00:50:14,630
- I'll deny it if you do.
- Okay.
871
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:16,930
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
872
00:50:17,100 --> 00:50:18,720
Stay golden.
873
00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:22,430
- Hi, Mrs. Griffith.
- Hi, you. How are you?
874
00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:24,940
A is for "awesome."
875
00:50:25,100 --> 00:50:26,650
Yeah.
876
00:50:27,270 --> 00:50:28,980
I've never seen that girl before.
877
00:50:29,150 --> 00:50:31,030
That does not surprise me.
878
00:50:31,190 --> 00:50:34,110
But I'm the guidance counselor.
I should know all the students.
879
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:36,780
Especially the ones
who dress like prostitutes.
880
00:50:36,950 --> 00:50:39,660
- It's good to see you.
- Hey. How are you? Good.
881
00:50:40,450 --> 00:50:44,120
No, stop. We're at school.
There are rules.
882
00:50:44,290 --> 00:50:46,620
- Windows.
- Yeah, yeah.
883
00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:48,960
Do me a favor, though.
Just talk to her.
884
00:50:49,130 --> 00:50:50,920
I think she's going through a phase.
885
00:50:51,090 --> 00:50:53,630
That's not the girl
everyone's talking about, is it?
886
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:54,800
It is.
887
00:50:54,970 --> 00:50:57,590
Oh, okay. Oh, this'll be good.
All right.
888
00:50:57,760 --> 00:51:00,220
That snotty, Jesus-freak
office aide I have…
889
00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:02,350
…has been bitching
about her incessantly.
890
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:06,810
They're all lies, but she could use
somebody to talk to anyway.
891
00:51:06,980 --> 00:51:09,560
All right. Hey, what are you doing
for dinner tonight?
892
00:51:09,730 --> 00:51:11,270
- You won't be there?
- Sorry.
893
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:14,490
I have an after-school session.
Kid brought a knife to school.
894
00:51:14,650 --> 00:51:15,950
Well, be careful, all right?
895
00:51:16,110 --> 00:51:18,570
It was a butter knife.
But you know what they say.
896
00:51:18,740 --> 00:51:20,700
You know, it's a gateway knife, so….
897
00:51:20,870 --> 00:51:22,370
- All right, bye.
- Yeah. Bye.
898
00:51:22,540 --> 00:51:25,290
I'm thinking about another gateway.
It's a….
899
00:51:28,120 --> 00:51:29,170
Making spaghetti.
900
00:51:29,330 --> 00:51:31,250
- That's great.
- With meat.
901
00:51:31,420 --> 00:51:32,750
Enjoy eating your meat.
902
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:35,630
- And balls.
- Enjoy eating your balls.
903
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:46,890
Sharpening your pencils?
904
00:51:48,390 --> 00:51:49,810
Getting them nice and sharp?
905
00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:54,780
Sharpening them up? Look at you.
Look at you. So sharp.
906
00:51:54,940 --> 00:51:57,240
Sharpening those pencils.
Sharp, sharp, sharp.
907
00:51:57,700 --> 00:52:00,530
- God, that's sharp. I--
- Hey, Olive. You ready to come in?
908
00:52:03,530 --> 00:52:04,580
Good job.
909
00:52:04,740 --> 00:52:07,330
Well, the reason I called you in
was just so we could…
910
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:10,380
…sort of, you know, just chat
about what's going on.
911
00:52:10,540 --> 00:52:13,170
You know, there is concern
from a few faculty members.
912
00:52:13,340 --> 00:52:14,840
Your husband.
913
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:17,510
Olive, you're attempting
to make a statement.
914
00:52:17,670 --> 00:52:20,890
I'm just a little confused
as to what exactly that is.
915
00:52:21,510 --> 00:52:22,550
Am I in trouble?
916
00:52:22,720 --> 00:52:25,180
Because, pursuant
to the student code of conduct…
917
00:52:25,350 --> 00:52:28,020
…my hemline has never been
higher than my fingertips.
918
00:52:28,180 --> 00:52:29,520
No, you're not in trouble.
919
00:52:29,690 --> 00:52:31,230
I wanted to make sure you knew…
920
00:52:31,400 --> 00:52:33,770
…if there's something
that you wanna talk about…
921
00:52:33,940 --> 00:52:35,730
…you know, you can trust me.
922
00:52:35,900 --> 00:52:39,860
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?
923
00:52:40,910 --> 00:52:43,280
Yeah. I'm-- See?
I'm the guidance counselor.
924
00:52:43,450 --> 00:52:44,830
That's what I do.
925
00:52:45,240 --> 00:52:47,250
I mean, I have a reputation to uphold.
926
00:52:47,410 --> 00:52:48,580
Don't you, though?
927
00:52:51,080 --> 00:52:55,090
All right, listen, don't tell anyone
I'm doing this, please.
928
00:52:55,250 --> 00:52:56,380
Here you go.
929
00:52:56,550 --> 00:52:58,420
- Here you go.
- I really don't need those.
930
00:52:58,590 --> 00:53:01,970
Oh, you really do. Here you go.
931
00:53:02,140 --> 00:53:03,720
Here you go. Okay?
932
00:53:03,890 --> 00:53:07,640
I just don't want this thing you're
going through to define your life.
933
00:53:07,810 --> 00:53:09,520
Olive, do what you gotta do. Okay?
934
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:14,190
Let your freak flag fly. Just make sure
you have an exit strategy.
935
00:53:14,940 --> 00:53:18,320
Listen, Mrs. Griffith, I really--
I don't need these.
936
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:20,900
The pill is not 100 percent effective.
937
00:53:21,070 --> 00:53:22,860
Ask some of your friends' parents.
938
00:53:23,910 --> 00:53:25,620
Thank you for coming in.
939
00:53:28,950 --> 00:53:32,210
Can you just send in the next person?
Thank you.
940
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:37,460
You're up, hoss.
941
00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:40,550
Okay. Go. It's all right.
942
00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:45,090
Everything's gonna be okay.
943
00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:55,100
Don't you think it's a little strange
that your boyfriend is 22 years old…
944
00:53:55,270 --> 00:53:58,400
- …and still in high school?
- Not that it's any of your business…
945
00:53:58,570 --> 00:53:59,940
…but he is here by choice.
946
00:54:00,110 --> 00:54:04,070
It's his choice he's a fourth-year senior
that can't pass any test he takes?
947
00:54:04,240 --> 00:54:06,570
His choice. His? His?
948
00:54:06,740 --> 00:54:07,780
Capital H?
949
00:54:07,950 --> 00:54:11,450
If God wanted him to graduate, God
would've given him the right answers.
950
00:54:14,830 --> 00:54:17,380
I'm sorry.
You gotta be shitting me, woman.
951
00:54:17,840 --> 00:54:20,300
Okay. So why was he blubbering
like a baby?
952
00:54:21,380 --> 00:54:24,970
- Is he struggling with his sexuality?
- No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch.
953
00:54:25,130 --> 00:54:28,260
His parents are
going through a divorce.
954
00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:33,480
Okay.
955
00:54:40,270 --> 00:54:45,030
You know,
sometimes our boyfriend's parents…
956
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,660
…they get divorced, you know?
957
00:54:46,820 --> 00:54:50,790
And it's important to remember
it's not your fault.
958
00:54:50,950 --> 00:54:51,990
So I gotta go.
959
00:54:53,370 --> 00:54:57,920
But they go to our church.
What will people say?
960
00:55:02,210 --> 00:55:06,550
How long do these embraces usually
last? Because I gotta go, but I--
961
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,390
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, I'm gonna be okay.
962
00:55:09,550 --> 00:55:11,260
Mrs. Griffith is amazing…
963
00:55:11,430 --> 00:55:15,180
…and she's gonna help Micah,
and everything's gonna be okay.
964
00:55:16,310 --> 00:55:20,020
See? All right, that's the spirit.
Everything's gonna be okay.
965
00:55:20,190 --> 00:55:21,860
Okay.
966
00:55:26,280 --> 00:55:29,200
Wait. Why are you even
being so nice to me?
967
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:33,200
I did it.
968
00:55:34,250 --> 00:55:35,330
I got through to you.
969
00:55:38,420 --> 00:55:41,340
I'm so sorry about everything I said.
I am so, so sorry.
970
00:55:41,500 --> 00:55:45,720
I mean, I really want us to be friends.
Can we please be friends?
971
00:55:46,550 --> 00:55:47,680
Absolutely.
972
00:55:50,850 --> 00:55:54,100
And for a day,
we were actually really good friends.
973
00:55:54,270 --> 00:55:57,180
I was kind of starting to think
things were gonna turn around.
974
00:55:57,350 --> 00:55:59,150
Olive!
975
00:55:59,310 --> 00:56:01,730
- Friend.
- Hey, friend.
976
00:56:01,900 --> 00:56:03,610
- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you more.
977
00:56:03,770 --> 00:56:06,940
She texted me in first period.
978
00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:17,040
By second period,
we apparently had private jokes.
979
00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:19,420
Olive. Olive.
980
00:56:23,090 --> 00:56:25,340
Tragedy struck in Wood Shop.
981
00:56:25,500 --> 00:56:27,630
It wasn't because
someone sawed off a thumb…
982
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:29,300
…which has happened.
983
00:56:29,470 --> 00:56:32,350
Micah is in the hospital.
He is in so much pain.
984
00:56:32,510 --> 00:56:35,640
The nurse didn't know
what was wrong.
985
00:56:36,310 --> 00:56:38,310
There, there.
986
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:47,690
It hurts so bad, Mommy.
987
00:56:47,860 --> 00:56:50,450
Well, it's just what I thought.
Chlamydia.
988
00:56:50,740 --> 00:56:52,070
No.
989
00:56:52,240 --> 00:56:55,830
Who have you been screwing?
Tell me.
990
00:56:55,990 --> 00:57:00,000
Tell me now
or I will kill you right here.
991
00:57:00,370 --> 00:57:03,500
Olive. Olive Penderghast!
992
00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:09,420
Olive. Olive Penderghast.
993
00:57:09,590 --> 00:57:11,930
I have to call you back.
Okay. Bye-bye.
994
00:57:12,090 --> 00:57:14,300
Goddamn it.
995
00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:18,770
Chlamydia?!
996
00:57:21,020 --> 00:57:22,980
That bitch!
997
00:57:25,190 --> 00:57:26,770
- Olive?
- Hey.
998
00:57:28,860 --> 00:57:32,660
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Goddamn it.
999
00:57:34,740 --> 00:57:35,870
I panicked.
1000
00:57:36,030 --> 00:57:38,950
I said I got it
from Olive Penderghast.
1001
00:57:39,120 --> 00:57:42,250
I know, but what was
I supposed to say?
1002
00:57:42,420 --> 00:57:45,080
You know, and then my mom
tells Marianne's mom.
1003
00:57:45,250 --> 00:57:47,920
I did. I tried to blame it
on their divorce…
1004
00:57:48,090 --> 00:57:51,170
…but my mom is not buying it.
1005
00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:54,050
That's it. I have to tell them.
1006
00:57:54,220 --> 00:57:58,220
No, I do not care that you
gave me chlamydia. I don't!
1007
00:57:58,430 --> 00:58:02,940
I love you and I want to be with you,
and nobody can stop us.
1008
00:58:03,100 --> 00:58:06,980
Not my mother, not Marianne,
and not even the school board…
1009
00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:09,480
…or the president of the Americas!
1010
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:12,150
Oh, God.
1011
00:58:12,360 --> 00:58:14,070
Oh, God.
1012
00:58:19,080 --> 00:58:21,660
What? What do you want?
What do you want?
1013
00:58:21,830 --> 00:58:23,410
Just go.
1014
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:28,710
Perfect. Just perfect.
1015
00:58:29,590 --> 00:58:32,510
I'm sorry, I just--
I was looking for Marianne.
1016
00:58:32,670 --> 00:58:34,630
Did she say anything
about being mad at me?
1017
00:58:34,800 --> 00:58:36,590
She just smacked
the bejesus out of me.
1018
00:58:36,760 --> 00:58:39,640
No, that's my fault.
I'm so sorry, Olive. I'm sorry.
1019
00:58:39,810 --> 00:58:43,680
But I messed up, okay?
I just goddamn shit…
1020
00:58:43,850 --> 00:58:48,360
…goddamn messed up
really goddamn shit bad.
1021
00:58:48,520 --> 00:58:50,440
Goddamn. Shit, goddamn.
1022
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:54,740
Okay. Don't get me wrong
because I love it…
1023
00:58:54,900 --> 00:58:58,620
…but I don't think you're supposed to
use that language in front of a student.
1024
00:58:58,780 --> 00:59:01,790
You know what else you're not
supposed to do, is sleep with them.
1025
00:59:01,950 --> 00:59:04,210
But that didn't stop me. Goddamn shit.
1026
00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,710
Wait. You-- Oh, my God.
1027
00:59:07,880 --> 00:59:11,300
But I'm not-- I'm not judging
you or anything, but, oh, my God.
1028
00:59:11,460 --> 00:59:15,380
I-- Wait, what does that
have to do with me?
1029
00:59:15,550 --> 00:59:17,640
You should know
that my marriage is not great.
1030
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:19,470
We haven't slept together
in months.
1031
00:59:19,640 --> 00:59:20,680
In months, all right?
1032
00:59:20,850 --> 00:59:24,890
Finally, this great-looking guy comes
in and he's nice to me, you know?
1033
00:59:25,060 --> 00:59:26,270
And he's not a minor.
1034
00:59:26,440 --> 00:59:30,650
This is legal. It's legal
because he's been here forever, okay?
1035
00:59:30,820 --> 00:59:33,610
He's not the sharpest
Christian in the Bible, all right?
1036
00:59:33,780 --> 00:59:36,990
And then he finds out
that he has chlamydia.
1037
00:59:37,150 --> 00:59:40,120
And so then he's telling
everybody that it was you.
1038
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:41,990
He didn't want me
to lose my job…
1039
00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:45,580
…and he doesn't wanna get in trouble
either, so he said it's you.
1040
00:59:45,750 --> 00:59:46,960
I'm sorry.
1041
00:59:48,170 --> 00:59:51,130
But I'll-- I'm gonna fix it, Olive.
Okay? I'll tell everyone.
1042
00:59:51,290 --> 00:59:56,170
I'm gonna tell everyone that it's me.
Okay? I'll just-- I'll lose my job.
1043
00:59:56,670 --> 01:00:00,010
And, you know, whatever else I lose,
and then that's okay.
1044
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:06,770
Maybe it was becoming a habit
of mine to help the downtrodden…
1045
01:00:06,930 --> 01:00:08,890
…or maybe I just couldn't stand
to see…
1046
01:00:09,060 --> 01:00:10,980
…my favorite teacher's
marriage crumble.
1047
01:00:11,150 --> 01:00:13,360
Either way, I decided to help.
1048
01:00:13,860 --> 01:00:16,030
I could have chlamydia.
1049
01:00:17,570 --> 01:00:21,660
I mean, I could have easily given it
to Micah.
1050
01:00:21,820 --> 01:00:23,700
I mean, who knows?
1051
01:00:23,870 --> 01:00:26,790
Women oftentimes
don't show symptoms.
1052
01:00:26,950 --> 01:00:29,290
And the whole world knows
I've been whoring around.
1053
01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:31,000
No, you haven't. No, you haven't.
1054
01:00:31,170 --> 01:00:36,510
Because a real whore can't admit it
to herself, much less others. Trust me.
1055
01:00:39,470 --> 01:00:40,800
Call Micah.
1056
01:00:40,970 --> 01:00:44,350
Tell him he is an ass and
he owes me so big for this, but also…
1057
01:00:44,510 --> 01:00:47,350
…tell him I confessed
to giving him chlamydia.
1058
01:00:54,900 --> 01:00:57,400
Getting a lot of hugs today.
1059
01:00:58,030 --> 01:01:00,530
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- Get out of here!
1060
01:01:03,120 --> 01:01:05,410
{\an8}I guess I shouldn't be too shocked
these people…
1061
01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:07,330
…wanted my diseased ass
out of there.
1062
01:01:07,490 --> 01:01:08,540
Save yourself, Olive.
1063
01:01:08,700 --> 01:01:11,540
The funny thing is, the whole time
this all was going down…
1064
01:01:11,710 --> 01:01:14,750
{\an8}…I couldn't help but think
I could've come up with better signs.
1065
01:01:14,920 --> 01:01:16,750
{\an8}Although you gotta love
the Quiznos guy.
1066
01:01:16,920 --> 01:01:20,090
That's the one thing
that trumps religion: capitalism.
1067
01:01:20,260 --> 01:01:21,680
Why are you doing this?
1068
01:01:21,840 --> 01:01:23,970
I'm trying to make this school
a better place.
1069
01:01:24,140 --> 01:01:26,430
Start a petition to get rid
of the lead paint.
1070
01:01:26,600 --> 01:01:27,930
New Honey Chicken at Quiznos.
1071
01:01:28,100 --> 01:01:30,350
- Not now, Quiznos.
- You're a slut.
1072
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:31,690
You're going down, Olive.
1073
01:01:31,850 --> 01:01:35,190
If this is because I'm more popular
than you, then I think what you're--
1074
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:37,860
Let's not mistake popularity
for infamy.
1075
01:01:38,030 --> 01:01:40,900
- You don't wanna burn, do you?
- I'll be praying for you.
1076
01:01:45,950 --> 01:01:47,660
Sorry.
1077
01:01:48,290 --> 01:01:51,790
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.
1078
01:01:51,960 --> 01:01:53,460
Screw all these people, Olive.
1079
01:01:53,620 --> 01:01:55,790
Haven't you heard?
1080
01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:58,130
I already did.
1081
01:01:58,300 --> 01:02:01,300
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- What you're doing is wrong.
1082
01:02:01,630 --> 01:02:03,630
You're going to hell!
1083
01:02:08,470 --> 01:02:10,640
So they got Rhiannon.
1084
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:14,060
Never underestimate the power
of extremists like Marianne.
1085
01:02:14,230 --> 01:02:17,980
They sense any weakness,
they pounce like jungle cats.
1086
01:02:18,150 --> 01:02:20,900
{\an8}And the whack pack
just gets bigger and bigger.
1087
01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:23,150
{\an8}But at least they have a pack.
1088
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:27,200
I was used to being by myself,
but I had never felt more alone.
1089
01:02:27,370 --> 01:02:30,830
I thought I should look into what they
were running around thumping about.
1090
01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:33,290
- Do you have a religion section?
- It's over there.
1091
01:02:33,460 --> 01:02:35,460
- Can I help you with something?
- The Bible.
1092
01:02:35,620 --> 01:02:38,590
That's in bestsellers,
right next to Twilight.
1093
01:02:40,340 --> 01:02:42,550
I didn't have time
to read the whole thing…
1094
01:02:42,720 --> 01:02:44,260
…because it's, like, 600 pages.
1095
01:02:44,430 --> 01:02:45,930
Single-spaced.
1096
01:02:46,090 --> 01:02:48,680
And as every war
that's ever been fought can tell you…
1097
01:02:48,850 --> 01:02:50,850
…there are many ways
you can interpret it.
1098
01:02:51,020 --> 01:02:53,980
Except the Civil War.
That was pure racism.
1099
01:02:54,140 --> 01:02:55,480
So I went to find an expert.
1100
01:02:56,020 --> 01:03:00,020
But really, I just kind of
wanted someone to talk to.
1101
01:03:01,360 --> 01:03:05,030
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
1102
01:03:05,530 --> 01:03:07,450
I think that's how you
start these things.
1103
01:03:07,610 --> 01:03:09,870
I'm just going off
what I've seen in movies.
1104
01:03:10,030 --> 01:03:12,080
Where do I even start?
1105
01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:16,500
I've been pretending to be….
1106
01:03:16,670 --> 01:03:18,540
What is the Catholic way
of phrasing this?
1107
01:03:18,710 --> 01:03:20,540
A harlot?
1108
01:03:21,710 --> 01:03:25,380
A harlot. It's not that
I've actually been doing…
1109
01:03:25,550 --> 01:03:29,220
…the things that people have
been saying I've been doing…
1110
01:03:29,390 --> 01:03:31,510
…but then again,
I'm not denying them either.
1111
01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:35,100
So I was just wondering,
is that wrong?
1112
01:03:35,730 --> 01:03:40,230
It's just that a lot of people
have been asking me to do things…
1113
01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:46,570
…and I thought it was okay
because it wasn't real, you know?
1114
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:50,490
It was make-believe.
1115
01:03:50,660 --> 01:03:53,080
And no one was getting hurt…
1116
01:03:56,870 --> 01:03:59,960
…but a lot of people hate me now.
1117
01:04:03,500 --> 01:04:05,960
I kind of hate me too.
1118
01:04:11,930 --> 01:04:14,140
I might be wrong…
1119
01:04:14,930 --> 01:04:16,930
…but aren't you
supposed to say something?
1120
01:04:17,100 --> 01:04:19,140
Tell me to say 10 Hail Marys,
pay a fine…
1121
01:04:19,310 --> 01:04:21,810
…advance token to nearest railroad?
Hello?
1122
01:04:24,110 --> 01:04:25,610
Should've seen that one coming.
1123
01:04:32,530 --> 01:04:35,910
Luckily, I live in a town
with many different places of worship.
1124
01:04:36,080 --> 01:04:38,620
{\an8}So I went to find one
with a real live human being.
1125
01:04:39,040 --> 01:04:40,080
Can I help you?
1126
01:04:40,250 --> 01:04:42,880
Yeah, I was just wondering
if there's a minister around.
1127
01:04:43,540 --> 01:04:45,500
Is it not a minister?
1128
01:04:45,670 --> 01:04:47,710
A Reverend? A wizard?
1129
01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:49,760
It's a pastor, and he's here.
1130
01:04:51,390 --> 01:04:52,800
How can I help you today?
1131
01:04:52,970 --> 01:04:56,310
I was wondering what your church's
stance on lying and adultery was.
1132
01:04:56,470 --> 01:04:57,470
It's not a good thing.
1133
01:04:57,640 --> 01:05:01,980
Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly.
But, then-- Now, tell me this.
1134
01:05:02,150 --> 01:05:03,560
Assuming there is a hell….
1135
01:05:03,730 --> 01:05:06,860
Oh, the Christian Church recognizes
the existence of hell.
1136
01:05:07,030 --> 01:05:09,320
Okay, so we'll just say
there's a "hell."
1137
01:05:09,490 --> 01:05:11,610
There is. Just so we're clear.
1138
01:05:11,780 --> 01:05:15,280
- Okay. So for argument's sake--
- No, there's no argument. It's there.
1139
01:05:15,450 --> 01:05:19,040
Right below our feet,
right above the Orient. It's there.
1140
01:05:21,290 --> 01:05:24,960
Then what would be worse,
lying or adultery?
1141
01:05:25,130 --> 01:05:27,840
Or is lying about adultery
just like double whammy? Sorry.
1142
01:05:28,010 --> 01:05:29,510
Come on.
1143
01:05:32,430 --> 01:05:34,340
I'm sorry,
what did you say your name was?
1144
01:05:35,050 --> 01:05:38,520
I didn't. I-- You know what?
I'm just gonna--
1145
01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:41,020
I'm just gonna go check out
Judaism because--
1146
01:05:41,190 --> 01:05:43,190
- God. Two frames, really?
- Sorry.
1147
01:05:43,350 --> 01:05:45,480
The Jews and I have a lot in common.
1148
01:05:45,650 --> 01:05:48,400
- Just fashion-wise and stuff.
- Off you go.
1149
01:05:48,570 --> 01:05:51,610
Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father…
1150
01:05:51,780 --> 01:05:53,860
…of the leader of my lynch mob.
1151
01:05:54,030 --> 01:05:59,160
What other complete and total idiot
can say that's happened to them?
1152
01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:05,460
Okay, I've narrowed it down
to The Other Boleyn Girl…
1153
01:06:05,630 --> 01:06:08,300
…or The Bucket List. Huge hit.
1154
01:06:08,460 --> 01:06:11,380
Why can't we watch a movie for kids?
You always get to pick.
1155
01:06:11,550 --> 01:06:15,220
Because the Family Member
of the Week gets to pick the movie.
1156
01:06:15,390 --> 01:06:17,970
Yeah, but you get Family Member
of the Week every week.
1157
01:06:18,140 --> 01:06:19,640
And there's a reason for that.
1158
01:06:19,810 --> 01:06:22,480
Yeah. You pick
Family Member of the Week.
1159
01:06:22,640 --> 01:06:24,140
Are you accusing me of nepotism?
1160
01:06:24,310 --> 01:06:27,860
Okay, it's The Bucket List.
This is it. This is the greatest decision.
1161
01:06:28,020 --> 01:06:31,150
I'm so happy with this decision.
That's what it's going to be.
1162
01:06:31,320 --> 01:06:34,280
All right, now, honey, after we watch
The Bucket List…
1163
01:06:34,450 --> 01:06:38,990
…remember to cross "Watch
The Bucket List" off our bucket list.
1164
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:40,200
Guys.
1165
01:06:40,370 --> 01:06:45,500
I want you to know that if you hear
I have chlamydia, that is totally false.
1166
01:06:45,670 --> 01:06:48,170
Olive, do we need
to have the talk again?
1167
01:06:48,340 --> 01:06:50,710
No. It's just a thing
that's going around.
1168
01:06:50,880 --> 01:06:53,760
You know, nothing you're saying
is making me feel any better.
1169
01:06:53,920 --> 01:06:56,590
Not to mention how you've been
dressing the last few days.
1170
01:06:56,760 --> 01:06:58,640
No judgment,
but you look like a stripper.
1171
01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:01,270
- Mom.
- A high-end stripper.
1172
01:07:01,430 --> 01:07:03,060
For governors or athletes.
1173
01:07:03,230 --> 01:07:04,560
But stripper, nonetheless.
1174
01:07:04,730 --> 01:07:07,400
Oh, my God.
I'm just trying to mix it up a little.
1175
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:09,360
And I have no STDs, I promise you.
1176
01:07:09,520 --> 01:07:11,980
Oh, that's great.
Daughter of the Year.
1177
01:07:12,150 --> 01:07:13,940
If you hear anything
to the contrary…
1178
01:07:14,110 --> 01:07:16,320
…come up with some funny retort
and walk away.
1179
01:07:16,490 --> 01:07:19,280
Honey, you're kind of
starting to worry us a little.
1180
01:07:19,450 --> 01:07:21,450
Should we be kind of
worried a little?
1181
01:07:21,620 --> 01:07:23,450
I don't think so.
1182
01:07:23,620 --> 01:07:26,580
- You sure?
- Yeah.
1183
01:07:26,830 --> 01:07:29,630
Yeah. I got it all under control.
1184
01:07:30,840 --> 01:07:31,880
- Okay.
- Okay.
1185
01:07:32,050 --> 01:07:34,210
Then let's Bucket List this bitch.
1186
01:07:34,380 --> 01:07:36,220
The Bucket List, The Bucket List.
1187
01:07:36,380 --> 01:07:38,760
To say this whole thing
had taken over my life…
1188
01:07:38,930 --> 01:07:41,390
…would be
a colossal understatement.
1189
01:07:41,600 --> 01:07:44,810
I actually reread The Scarlet Letter
to see how Hester dealt with it.
1190
01:07:44,980 --> 01:07:49,810
And it turns out she bore
her punishment in humble silence…
1191
01:07:49,980 --> 01:07:53,150
…which are two concepts
I am not comfortable with.
1192
01:07:53,320 --> 01:07:55,530
With all the mythical play
I was getting…
1193
01:07:55,690 --> 01:07:58,700
…I still actually hadn't been
asked out on a real date.
1194
01:07:58,860 --> 01:08:01,950
People were jumping up and down
to say they'd slept with me…
1195
01:08:02,120 --> 01:08:04,580
…but no one bothered
really trying to sleep with me.
1196
01:08:04,750 --> 01:08:07,660
I was starting to think I actually did
have a gnome down there.
1197
01:08:07,830 --> 01:08:10,210
- Until finally….
- Hey, Olive.
1198
01:08:10,830 --> 01:08:12,590
Hey, Anson. What's up?
1199
01:08:12,750 --> 01:08:14,880
I was wondering
if you were busy tonight.
1200
01:08:15,050 --> 01:08:17,970
Maybe wanna go out or something?
1201
01:08:19,130 --> 01:08:20,590
What did you have in mind?
1202
01:08:20,760 --> 01:08:23,470
I was thinking about getting
a hot-air balloon, you know…
1203
01:08:23,640 --> 01:08:25,350
…bringing along some champagne…
1204
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:28,850
…and then possibly reading
some Sylvia Plath.
1205
01:08:29,020 --> 01:08:32,400
Or we could just go
to The Lobster Shack…
1206
01:08:32,560 --> 01:08:34,610
…because it's, you know,
a little easier.
1207
01:08:34,780 --> 01:08:37,900
- I love The Lobster Shack.
- Good.
1208
01:08:38,070 --> 01:08:39,530
Okay. It's a date, then.
1209
01:08:40,700 --> 01:08:43,280
- Okay.
- Okay.
1210
01:08:44,990 --> 01:08:47,750
So should I still bring
the Sylvia Plath or…?
1211
01:08:47,910 --> 01:08:49,870
No, we could stick our heads
in the oven…
1212
01:08:50,040 --> 01:08:52,130
…if we run out of things
to talk about.
1213
01:08:52,880 --> 01:08:53,880
That was….
1214
01:08:54,040 --> 01:08:56,000
- Cool. All right. Well….
- Cool.
1215
01:09:04,890 --> 01:09:06,180
You look really beautiful.
1216
01:09:06,350 --> 01:09:08,060
Thank you.
1217
01:09:10,230 --> 01:09:11,940
- You're a real gentleman.
- No.
1218
01:09:12,100 --> 01:09:16,610
Just a guy having dinner with a girl.
1219
01:09:27,870 --> 01:09:31,420
{\an8}Do you believe this whole thing
about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
1220
01:09:31,580 --> 01:09:34,080
I did not know it was.
1221
01:09:34,250 --> 01:09:36,710
{\an8}Medical science really
has not substantiated claims…
1222
01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:40,090
…that any particular food increases
sexual desire or performance…
1223
01:09:40,260 --> 01:09:43,090
…but guys just spend and spend
to ply women with food…
1224
01:09:43,260 --> 01:09:46,760
…they think is gonna get them lucky.
Which is funny, because, it's like…
1225
01:09:46,930 --> 01:09:50,020
…what is sexy about
slurping back oysters? Nothing.
1226
01:09:50,180 --> 01:09:53,770
Did you know some people actually
eat ground-up rhinoceros horn…
1227
01:09:53,940 --> 01:09:56,980
…because it's thought to increase
the size of the male sex organ?
1228
01:09:57,150 --> 01:09:59,110
That's not true at all.
1229
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:01,900
Spanish fly. Spanish fly.
You've heard of this? Yes?
1230
01:10:02,070 --> 01:10:03,610
- Yes.
- Okay. That thing?
1231
01:10:03,780 --> 01:10:05,910
Pulverized blister beetle. What?
1232
01:10:06,070 --> 01:10:09,620
And it's illegal in the U.S. because
if you eat just a little bit too much…
1233
01:10:09,790 --> 01:10:12,960
…it causes painful urination,
fever and bloody discharge.
1234
01:10:13,120 --> 01:10:14,500
- Am I talking too much?
- No.
1235
01:10:14,670 --> 01:10:17,380
You're just burning through
a lot of topics really fast.
1236
01:10:17,540 --> 01:10:20,380
Shouldn't have had coffee
three weeks ago.
1237
01:10:20,550 --> 01:10:21,590
I'm just kidding.
1238
01:10:21,760 --> 01:10:25,590
Your Maine lobster
with crab and seafood stuffing.
1239
01:10:26,970 --> 01:10:28,890
- I'm jealous.
- Thank you.
1240
01:10:29,680 --> 01:10:31,930
Let's dig in. Right?
1241
01:10:36,060 --> 01:10:38,520
I didn't know Woodchuck Todd
worked here.
1242
01:10:46,070 --> 01:10:47,370
He's dressed like a lobster.
1243
01:10:47,530 --> 01:10:50,450
I should start calling him
Lobster Todd.
1244
01:10:56,120 --> 01:10:57,330
Shit.
1245
01:10:57,500 --> 01:10:59,290
- Shit, shit, shit.
- What? What's wrong?
1246
01:10:59,460 --> 01:11:00,960
- Rhiannon's over there.
- So?
1247
01:11:01,130 --> 01:11:03,380
She's been in love with you
since 1st grade.
1248
01:11:03,550 --> 01:11:06,090
- She's my best friend.
- I thought you weren't speaking.
1249
01:11:06,260 --> 01:11:08,600
But that doesn't mean
she's not my best friend.
1250
01:11:08,760 --> 01:11:10,310
Or that I should be out with you.
1251
01:11:10,470 --> 01:11:12,850
Rhi and I don't have
anything in common.
1252
01:11:13,020 --> 01:11:14,770
- And you and I do?
- Yeah.
1253
01:11:14,940 --> 01:11:18,020
- Like what?
- Like I hate Marianne Bryant too.
1254
01:11:18,190 --> 01:11:21,020
If that's our connection,
I should date the entire school.
1255
01:11:21,190 --> 01:11:22,940
Haven't you?
1256
01:11:24,150 --> 01:11:26,700
No. No, I haven't.
1257
01:11:30,080 --> 01:11:31,790
Okay, she can't see us.
Check. Check.
1258
01:11:31,950 --> 01:11:34,250
Can you just--? Excuse me? Hi.
1259
01:11:34,870 --> 01:11:38,750
I just remembered
I am so allergic to shellfish.
1260
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:41,210
I forget that my respiratory system
will collapse.
1261
01:11:41,380 --> 01:11:43,630
- I have a gift certificate. Keep the tip.
- Thanks.
1262
01:11:43,800 --> 01:11:45,340
I'm sorry, but we have to go.
1263
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:48,260
- Go. Go. Come on. Come on.
- Okay.
1264
01:11:48,430 --> 01:11:50,010
Go, go, go.
1265
01:11:58,020 --> 01:12:00,060
I'm sorry about that.
1266
01:12:02,360 --> 01:12:04,780
I've got something for you.
1267
01:12:06,150 --> 01:12:08,410
Two hundred dollars
to The Home Depot.
1268
01:12:15,000 --> 01:12:16,330
I didn't realize this was a--
1269
01:12:16,500 --> 01:12:20,250
I know it sounds kind of lame, but they
really do have some awesome stuff.
1270
01:12:20,420 --> 01:12:22,920
I bought my air compressor there.
1271
01:12:24,420 --> 01:12:27,090
So, what did we do on this date?
1272
01:12:27,260 --> 01:12:28,840
Whatever 200 bucks gets me.
1273
01:12:31,260 --> 01:12:34,310
- That's not really how it works.
- It's okay.
1274
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:36,600
Stop.
1275
01:12:36,770 --> 01:12:39,440
I'm not really having sex with people
for money.
1276
01:12:39,600 --> 01:12:43,570
I'm saying I'm having sex for money,
but I'm not having sex for money.
1277
01:12:43,730 --> 01:12:45,400
It's okay. It's all right. Come on.
1278
01:12:45,570 --> 01:12:47,240
- Stop. No, no.
- What?
1279
01:12:47,400 --> 01:12:48,650
Stop!
1280
01:12:48,820 --> 01:12:51,410
Come on, just relax. Come on, babe.
It's all right.
1281
01:12:51,570 --> 01:12:54,660
God. Asshole.
1282
01:12:58,830 --> 01:13:02,080
What are you doing? I paid you.
1283
01:13:03,000 --> 01:13:04,960
Now you didn't.
1284
01:13:06,960 --> 01:13:09,970
Come on, this is bullshit.
1285
01:13:14,300 --> 01:13:16,180
Goddamn it.
1286
01:13:17,390 --> 01:13:19,140
Hey, Olive.
1287
01:13:20,560 --> 01:13:22,440
Todd, hi.
1288
01:13:27,820 --> 01:13:31,200
- Hey, you all right?
- I just have something in my eye.
1289
01:13:31,360 --> 01:13:34,740
Like a twig, you know, or a branch,
or a contact, or something.
1290
01:13:34,910 --> 01:13:39,160
- I didn't know you wore contacts.
- I don't, which is why I was tearing up.
1291
01:13:39,910 --> 01:13:44,040
Olive, hey. Let me drive you home.
1292
01:13:52,090 --> 01:13:54,840
Do you wanna talk about it?
1293
01:13:58,350 --> 01:14:02,600
What's to say?
Everybody thinks I'm a whore…
1294
01:14:03,400 --> 01:14:05,980
…and for the first time,
I'm starting to believe it.
1295
01:14:06,150 --> 01:14:07,190
What?
1296
01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:10,190
Don't act like you don't know
what people are saying about me.
1297
01:14:10,360 --> 01:14:13,200
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.
1298
01:14:13,360 --> 01:14:15,200
- Who told you?
- No one.
1299
01:14:15,370 --> 01:14:18,620
No one had to tell me that once upon
a time, there was a scared kid…
1300
01:14:18,790 --> 01:14:22,620
…at a party in a dark room
who was not ready for his first kiss.
1301
01:14:22,790 --> 01:14:27,250
And, you know, there was
this amazing girl who lied for him.
1302
01:14:27,420 --> 01:14:30,340
I still can't believe
you remember that.
1303
01:14:33,590 --> 01:14:36,640
You know, sometimes I pretend
you were my first real kiss.
1304
01:14:38,050 --> 01:14:39,720
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1305
01:14:41,520 --> 01:14:43,560
- Who was?
- It was Rhiannon.
1306
01:14:43,730 --> 01:14:45,440
- What?
- She must have told you.
1307
01:14:45,600 --> 01:14:49,820
Yeah, it was-- I think it was, like,
a year after that or something.
1308
01:14:49,980 --> 01:14:52,820
It sucked, by the way.
She was, like:
1309
01:14:52,990 --> 01:14:55,240
That bitch.
1310
01:14:55,410 --> 01:14:58,120
Oh, my God,
she knew how I felt about you.
1311
01:14:58,280 --> 01:15:01,160
- How do you feel about me?
- And here I am feeling so bad.
1312
01:15:01,330 --> 01:15:02,540
That's just perfect.
1313
01:15:02,700 --> 01:15:05,080
Wait, hold on a second.
How do you feel about me?
1314
01:15:05,290 --> 01:15:07,000
"Felt."
1315
01:15:07,380 --> 01:15:08,750
I said "felt."
1316
01:15:10,550 --> 01:15:13,840
Because I thought I--
I thought I heard "feel."
1317
01:15:14,010 --> 01:15:15,630
- No, it was "felt."
- All right.
1318
01:15:15,800 --> 01:15:17,840
How do you know where I live?
1319
01:15:18,010 --> 01:15:19,350
We used to carpool.
1320
01:15:19,850 --> 01:15:23,180
Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you
like a savant for people's addresses?
1321
01:15:23,350 --> 01:15:25,440
Just for people who I think are cool.
1322
01:15:26,100 --> 01:15:28,270
- You think I'm cool?
- I do.
1323
01:15:28,440 --> 01:15:31,730
And I think you're pretty and smart.
1324
01:15:32,030 --> 01:15:34,820
Did you form this opinion
prior to my little transformation?
1325
01:15:34,990 --> 01:15:36,650
Way prior.
1326
01:15:38,030 --> 01:15:39,870
Why didn't that rumor spread?
1327
01:15:40,330 --> 01:15:42,080
I like to keep my business to myself.
1328
01:15:42,240 --> 01:15:44,250
Notoriety, for whatever reason…
1329
01:15:44,410 --> 01:15:47,290
…never seems to benefit the noted,
it's only the "notees."
1330
01:15:49,040 --> 01:15:50,630
Where were you two weeks ago?
1331
01:15:55,550 --> 01:15:56,720
Olive.
1332
01:15:57,930 --> 01:16:02,760
If I promise not to tell anyone,
could I kiss you right now?
1333
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:08,230
No.
1334
01:16:10,270 --> 01:16:12,480
- Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
- Oh, no.
1335
01:16:12,650 --> 01:16:14,780
I just mean, not like this.
1336
01:16:14,940 --> 01:16:17,820
I don't wanna kiss you with mascara
running down my face…
1337
01:16:17,990 --> 01:16:20,490
…and some horndog guy
just having tried…
1338
01:16:20,660 --> 01:16:23,700
…to stick his tongue
down my throat.
1339
01:16:24,830 --> 01:16:27,290
I've wanted to kiss you
since 8th grade…
1340
01:16:28,290 --> 01:16:30,630
…but I want it to be perfect.
1341
01:16:31,630 --> 01:16:34,300
And right now, my life is a mess.
1342
01:16:34,710 --> 01:16:38,050
I need to get my business in order
before I drag you into it.
1343
01:16:38,220 --> 01:16:40,510
What if I told you
I wanna be dragged into it?
1344
01:16:41,470 --> 01:16:43,050
I could help, maybe.
1345
01:17:11,830 --> 01:17:13,000
Why now?
1346
01:17:14,170 --> 01:17:16,170
Why are you all of a sudden
into me now?
1347
01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:17,460
I don't know.
1348
01:17:17,920 --> 01:17:21,340
I haven't overanalyzed it,
like you're about to.
1349
01:17:25,850 --> 01:17:29,430
- Good night, Olive.
- Good night, Lobster Todd.
1350
01:17:31,390 --> 01:17:34,810
Now that I knew there were decent
and goodhearted people out there…
1351
01:17:34,980 --> 01:17:36,570
…the lies had to stop.
1352
01:17:36,730 --> 01:17:40,240
I knew there was only one person I
could count on to set the story straight:
1353
01:17:40,400 --> 01:17:41,400
Brandon.
1354
01:17:41,570 --> 01:17:44,820
I'd helped him, and even though
it would destroy his new reputation…
1355
01:17:44,990 --> 01:17:47,540
…as a straight stud,
I knew he'd help me.
1356
01:17:47,700 --> 01:17:50,330
Oh, my God. Did you hear that
Brandon ran away from home?
1357
01:17:50,500 --> 01:17:53,920
Yeah, totally. He left his parents
a note that said, "I'm gay, bitches"…
1358
01:17:54,080 --> 01:17:57,250
…and then he skipped town
with some big, hulking black guy.
1359
01:17:58,550 --> 01:18:00,050
My apologies to Mark Twain.
1360
01:18:00,220 --> 01:18:01,300
- Wait, huh?
- What?
1361
01:18:01,470 --> 01:18:03,430
- You said something.
- You said something.
1362
01:18:03,590 --> 01:18:05,470
You said something,
so I came back.
1363
01:18:05,640 --> 01:18:07,100
- You're funny. Okay.
- Call me.
1364
01:18:07,260 --> 01:18:10,430
{\an8}I went to everyone I'd helped
and begged them to say it wasn't true.
1365
01:18:10,600 --> 01:18:12,770
{\an8}No way. I gave you money.
1366
01:18:12,940 --> 01:18:16,560
{\an8}You gave me a gift card to AutoZone.
I don't even have a car.
1367
01:18:16,730 --> 01:18:18,520
I thought it'd be aspirational.
1368
01:18:18,690 --> 01:18:22,900
Evan, please do this for me, all right?
I did that for you. Do this for me.
1369
01:18:23,070 --> 01:18:25,990
I don't want people to know
I didn't go to second base with you.
1370
01:18:26,160 --> 01:18:29,160
Do you know how many girls
I've hooked up with because of that?
1371
01:18:29,330 --> 01:18:30,870
Girls are almost as dumb as boys.
1372
01:18:31,040 --> 01:18:33,750
Oh, yes, they are.
1373
01:18:37,250 --> 01:18:38,630
It gets worse.
1374
01:18:38,800 --> 01:18:40,420
"Honor your father
and your mother."
1375
01:18:40,590 --> 01:18:44,010
Due to his condition, Micah was sent
on a visit to his grandparents…
1376
01:18:44,180 --> 01:18:45,640
…in Palatka, Florida.
1377
01:18:45,800 --> 01:18:48,970
And if there's one thing worse
than chlamydia, it's Florida.
1378
01:18:49,140 --> 01:18:50,930
"--be guilty of adultery."
1379
01:18:51,100 --> 01:18:53,140
Get your hands
out of your berries, boy.
1380
01:18:53,310 --> 01:18:55,310
Olive, life is full of choices.
1381
01:18:55,480 --> 01:18:58,730
I made a bad one.
But then, so did you.
1382
01:18:58,900 --> 01:19:02,240
But I see no other alternative
than to just live with the guilt.
1383
01:19:02,400 --> 01:19:05,740
My guilt stems from my indiscretion
and yours for lying.
1384
01:19:06,320 --> 01:19:10,030
We made our choices.
Now, we just have to let it ride.
1385
01:19:10,200 --> 01:19:14,500
Or I could just tell everyone the truth
and get you fired and put in jail.
1386
01:19:14,660 --> 01:19:17,290
Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay?
1387
01:19:17,460 --> 01:19:19,670
It's perfectly legal
in the state of California.
1388
01:19:19,840 --> 01:19:22,420
I checked. He is 21 in eight months.
1389
01:19:22,590 --> 01:19:25,510
And secondly, let's play the Who
Would You Believe game, okay?
1390
01:19:25,680 --> 01:19:29,050
Why don't you ask yourself, if you
were an adult, who would you believe?
1391
01:19:29,220 --> 01:19:31,310
Who would you believe?
Who would you believe?
1392
01:19:31,470 --> 01:19:33,640
Who would you believe? Who?
1393
01:19:38,350 --> 01:19:40,570
Thank you for coming in.
1394
01:19:43,900 --> 01:19:48,280
Yeah, Mrs. Griffith was pure evil, but
I still shouldn't have done what I did.
1395
01:19:48,450 --> 01:19:51,240
Your wife has chlamydia,
and she's sleeping with a student…
1396
01:19:51,410 --> 01:19:54,040
…and she gave it to him,
and she's trying to blame me.
1397
01:19:55,370 --> 01:19:56,910
What?
1398
01:20:00,380 --> 01:20:02,130
I'm sorry.
1399
01:20:04,960 --> 01:20:06,720
I'm sorry.
1400
01:20:07,510 --> 01:20:09,970
Mr. Griffith, if you ever see this…
1401
01:20:10,140 --> 01:20:16,060
…just know that I was wrong
to tell you that in that way. At all.
1402
01:20:16,390 --> 01:20:18,270
I shouldn't have done it.
1403
01:20:18,730 --> 01:20:21,400
And I don't even feel bad
for lying for your wife.
1404
01:20:21,560 --> 01:20:27,070
But I hate myself for telling you
the truth. I am so sorry.
1405
01:20:27,240 --> 01:20:31,370
With my words, even though
they were true, I ended a marriage.
1406
01:20:31,570 --> 01:20:36,000
Looking back, that's the thing
I regret the most.
1407
01:20:42,460 --> 01:20:47,840
So now everyone that knows the truth
is either gone or they won't fess up.
1408
01:20:48,010 --> 01:20:53,010
And Marianne Bryant and her
disciples are demanding my head.
1409
01:20:53,180 --> 01:20:56,770
The messed-up thing is I would not put
it past Principal Gibbons to expel me.
1410
01:20:56,930 --> 01:20:59,100
I had a similar situation
when I was your age.
1411
01:20:59,270 --> 01:21:00,940
What? Everyone called you a slut?
1412
01:21:01,100 --> 01:21:04,190
I had a horrible reputation and
people said awful things about me.
1413
01:21:04,690 --> 01:21:06,610
- Why?
- Because I was a slut.
1414
01:21:06,780 --> 01:21:11,200
I slept with a whole bunch of people.
A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.
1415
01:21:11,360 --> 01:21:13,660
- Mom.
- Sorry, I got around.
1416
01:21:13,830 --> 01:21:16,830
Before I met Dad,
I had incredibly low self-worth.
1417
01:21:16,990 --> 01:21:20,580
Do me a favor and just stuff this down
my throat until I asphyxiate to death.
1418
01:21:20,750 --> 01:21:23,250
- It's true. It is.
- I want to die.
1419
01:21:23,420 --> 01:21:25,750
It's true.
I was quite the contortionist.
1420
01:21:25,920 --> 01:21:28,970
I could do this thing. I could go--
I mean, my leg all the way--
1421
01:21:29,130 --> 01:21:31,430
Stop. Can you stop?
Don't show me.
1422
01:21:31,590 --> 01:21:34,680
- Can you not see that I'm a mess?
- No, you're not, Olive.
1423
01:21:34,850 --> 01:21:36,600
You're wonderful.
1424
01:21:37,140 --> 01:21:39,310
And you'll handle this
the same way I did.
1425
01:21:39,480 --> 01:21:41,940
With an incontrovertible
sense of humor.
1426
01:21:43,230 --> 01:21:45,650
But you're much smarter than I am…
1427
01:21:45,820 --> 01:21:48,900
…so you'll come out of this
much better than I did.
1428
01:21:51,650 --> 01:21:52,820
Thank you, Mom.
1429
01:21:54,160 --> 01:21:58,660
- I could get my leg so far back.
- No, no, no. Stop it.
1430
01:21:58,830 --> 01:22:01,660
So it was time to put an end
to all this once and for all…
1431
01:22:01,830 --> 01:22:03,460
…by telling my side of the story.
1432
01:22:03,620 --> 01:22:05,750
And that's why I decided
to do this webcast.
1433
01:22:05,920 --> 01:22:08,210
So here we go.
1434
01:22:09,840 --> 01:22:11,510
{\an8}Part five.
1435
01:22:11,670 --> 01:22:13,800
{\an8}Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.
1436
01:22:13,970 --> 01:22:17,850
Today we had yet another
one of our ridiculous pep rallies.
1437
01:22:18,010 --> 01:22:21,180
Todd convinced the band to play
the sexiest song in their repertoire.
1438
01:22:21,350 --> 01:22:24,940
I needed to pique everyone's interest
to get them to go home and log on.
1439
01:22:25,100 --> 01:22:28,480
I had one outfit left and I figured
about 30 seconds to do it.
1440
01:22:28,650 --> 01:22:31,400
Plus I really wanted
my own awesome musical number…
1441
01:22:32,030 --> 01:22:34,070
…for no apparent reason.
1442
01:22:38,780 --> 01:22:40,040
Is that Olive?
1443
01:24:04,620 --> 01:24:06,500
This was just a free preview.
1444
01:24:06,660 --> 01:24:12,300
For the main event, log on to
www.FreeOlive.com tonight at 6 p.m.
1445
01:24:12,460 --> 01:24:15,720
And I know it interferes with
the basketball game but, come on…
1446
01:24:15,880 --> 01:24:17,970
…would you rather cheer on
the Woodchucks…
1447
01:24:18,130 --> 01:24:20,340
…or watch me do one?
1448
01:24:21,850 --> 01:24:25,100
What do you think you're doing?
Get to my office right now.
1449
01:24:25,270 --> 01:24:28,890
I can't, because I have a date with the
guy I like and the rest of the school.
1450
01:24:29,060 --> 01:24:32,270
I think before you expel me,
you might wanna talk to Mrs. Griffith…
1451
01:24:32,440 --> 01:24:35,150
…because I think she might
talk you into letting me stay.
1452
01:24:35,320 --> 01:24:37,820
Go, Blue Devils!
1453
01:24:47,790 --> 01:24:50,290
And here you all are…
1454
01:24:50,460 --> 01:24:53,340
…waiting outside the bedroom door
for me to kiss Todd…
1455
01:24:53,500 --> 01:24:56,050
…listening to me pretend
to have sex with Brandon…
1456
01:24:56,210 --> 01:24:58,420
…paying me to lie for you…
1457
01:24:58,590 --> 01:25:00,640
…and calling me
every name in the book.
1458
01:25:00,840 --> 01:25:03,600
You know, it was just like Hester
in The Scarlet Letter.
1459
01:25:03,760 --> 01:25:06,270
Except that's the one thing
the movies don't tell you:
1460
01:25:06,430 --> 01:25:11,650
How shitty it feels to be an outcast.
Warranted or not.
1461
01:25:20,990 --> 01:25:22,910
How did you know I love this song?
1462
01:25:23,070 --> 01:25:24,370
I guessed.
1463
01:25:24,530 --> 01:25:27,950
I see you've been watching my live
webcast. It's still going on, you know.
1464
01:25:28,120 --> 01:25:31,500
Screw them. They've had
enough of you. Figuratively speaking.
1465
01:25:31,670 --> 01:25:34,670
I borrowed my neighbor's mower.
I came right over.
1466
01:25:34,840 --> 01:25:35,880
That almost rhymed.
1467
01:25:36,050 --> 01:25:38,590
I know. I spent a minute on it.
1468
01:25:38,760 --> 01:25:40,760
I'll be right down.
1469
01:25:42,430 --> 01:25:44,220
That's Todd.
1470
01:25:44,390 --> 01:25:49,350
Not that I owe you guys any more
confessions, but I really like this guy…
1471
01:25:49,520 --> 01:25:53,770
…and I might even lose my virginity
to him.
1472
01:25:54,440 --> 01:25:56,360
I don't know when it'll happen.
1473
01:25:56,520 --> 01:25:59,570
You know, it might be five minutes
from now or tonight…
1474
01:26:00,150 --> 01:26:03,660
…or six months from now
or maybe on our wedding night.
1475
01:26:03,820 --> 01:26:08,700
But the really amazing thing is,
it is nobody's goddamn business.
1476
01:26:11,080 --> 01:26:12,460
Come on, where's she going?
1477
01:26:12,620 --> 01:26:14,830
I thought she was going
to take her clothes off.
1478
01:26:15,000 --> 01:26:17,550
Demi Moore took her clothes off.
This is bullshit.
1479
01:26:17,710 --> 01:26:21,170
Come on. Are you kidding me?
1480
01:26:23,130 --> 01:26:25,890
- Piss off.
- Come here, you punk.
1481
01:26:28,930 --> 01:26:30,430
Jack?
1482
01:26:58,210 --> 01:27:00,630
That's a mighty snug little shelter,
Huck.
1483
01:27:00,800 --> 01:27:02,260
I judge it's all right.
1484
01:27:02,420 --> 01:27:04,470
Here, Jim, I'll take my turn
at steering now.
1485
01:27:04,630 --> 01:27:07,010
No, that's all right, Huck.
I like steering.
1486
01:27:49,970 --> 01:27:51,850
Blue Devils!